A sad day

Heya...

Well today has been a very sad day, I'm not really in the mood for blogging but I suppose you all are pretty curious about what happened today so I'll give you a summary of it. But it's not just ben a sad day but I'll get back to that later.

Well this mornig then I woke up next to my beautiful girlfriend I just looked at her face and tought about the tears that had fallen down those soft cheeks just a few hours ago. She had been crying all night and I had been up trying to comfort her but I didn't do such a good job. But when the clock turned 4 or half 4 she finally fell asleep and so did I. Even though I just slept for about 3 hours I still wasn't tired at all but I was starving so I carefully got out of bed without waking zara up, looked at the wardrobe door and knew that if I was going to open that and get some clothes she was going to wake up so i just walked pass the wardrobe and left the room in just my underwear. I quietly walked down the stairs and went into the kitchen and stopped. At the table I saw Nicky sitting with his head in his hands staring out the window. he hadn't noticed that I was there and I just looked at his body language and I could tell that he was really down. I slowly walked over to him and put my hands on his shoulder and let them slide down over his chest and I put my head on his shoulder. He took my hands and closed his eyes and took a deep breath, I just felt really sad, I ahte to see him sad and I kissed his cheek and whispered "I'm sorry.". He slowly opened his eyes and looked into mine in the refektion in the window and then he turned around and faced me. I kept my hands on his shoulders and he looked at me so sadly and I stroke his cheek and said "Haven't you slept at all?". He nodded and removed his hands in a gesture for me to sit down in his lap. I slowly sat down and he wrapped his arms around me and I hugged him back and I said "nicky, please talk to me.". He opened his mouth and I could tell that it was a struggle for him to talk and he siad "Thank you.". I looked at him and said "For what nicky?", he looked deeply into my eyes and said "For being here for both me and zara..". I stroke his cheeka nd said "It's my turn...", then my stomach started to complain and Nicky just smiled and looked at it and I smiled and said "Do you want something to eat? You know I can make a wicked sandwish.". He smiled and nodded and I kissed his forehead and said "I love you nicky, and I'm here for you if you need me. Always adn forever.". He nodded and I got up from his lap and then he said "Aren't you cold?". That was when I noticed that it was kind of chilly so I nodded and he said "I'll be right back.". I nodded and started to make the sandwish and some coffee and after a minute or so he came back with a pair of his softypants and a hoodie. I smiled and he said "Put it on.". I thanked him and started to get dressed and it was so cozy adn warm and then I poured the coffee into two cups and said "Take the sandwishes and I'll take the coffee and we can eat in the livingroom.". He nodded and did as I asked and followed me into the livingroom and sat down next to me in the sofa. Because of the fact that none of us ahd been sleeping very well we were still cold eventhough we had clothes on us so i got a blanket and wrapped it around us both adn then we put the tv on and leaned back and ate. Then from no where he said "How is zara?", I said "not good... sh cried till 4 this morning and then finally fell asleep. I don't know what to do, nothing I do makes it better for her.". He looked at me and took my hand and said "Honey don't worry. You are helping, you're there and you love her. It's hard for a mother to lose a child...". I nodded and felt tears burn behind my eyeslids and i said "Yeah I know but... You know me and kids... It's the same with zara as it is with tove, I will understand that part of them... why can't I be as normal women?". He shook his head and stroke my cheek and said "Åh baby, you're better then normal. Honey, you don't have to like kids or want them just be perfect. You are already perfect. And don't worry about not understanding that part of them, you aren't alone.". A tear fell down my cheek but he quickly brushed it away and said "Don't cry, you know that I hate to see you cry.. You're suppose to smile honey, I miss your beautiful smile.". I gave him a lukewarm smile and said "How does it feel to lose a child?", he said "i suppose it feels like loseing a big part of yourself, a good part. Eventhough he wasn't my child I still loved his as he would be mine and it's really ahrd to lose him.". i said "so it's like if i would lose tove?". He smiled slightly for the simile and said "I don't know... I suppose, she is like your sister but a child is a part of you, a part of your DNA, a part of your body, mind and soul... I don't know if you can compare a child with a sister.". I nodded and said "You're rigth... like i said, i will never understand...". he stroke my cheek and said "Don't worry about that, like I said you aren't alone and you don't need to understand to help. just be there, do what we ask... or what zara asks and then everything will be fine.". I nodded and took his hand and said "You know you can ask me to... I'm not just here for zara, I'm here for you too.". He nodded and said "I know, but I have shane too and zara really needs you.". I nodded and put my head on his shoulder as a hug and he leaned his head on mine and we just sat there for a while, comforting each other. Then we heard a guys voice say "Oh sorry, I'll go..". We looked at the doorway and saw Emmas best friend Jocke stand there and nicky said "it's okay, what's up?". he smiled and said "I'm hungry...", nicky smiled and said "Take whatever you want, and then join us.". jocke nodded and went to the kitchen to make something to eat and I said "I love you nicky, so much.", he kissed my temple and said "i love you too darling.". Then Jocke came in and sat down in the armchair and said "You guys haven't slept?". Nicky shrugged and said "3 hours or so.. what about you and emma?". He said "Well we fell asleep like around 2 or something and then I woke up now and noticed that i was starving!". I smiled slightly and said "kind of sound like me but zara nad I fell asleep around 4 or half past.". He nodded and said "How long have you been up Nico?". He said "About two and a half hours...", I looked at him and squeezed his hand and said "Go back to bed Nciky...". He shook his head and said "i can't...", I nodded and then we just watched tv and after Jocke had finished his sandwish he said "well i'm going back to bed.. see you in a fw hours.". We nodded and then he left us and then nicky turned to me and said "Okay spill it..". I wrinkled my eyesbrows and said "what?", he sighed and said "Hun, it's me... you can't keep things from me. I can tell that you are a bit distant and that it's not just becuase of anton.". I sighed and said "Why do you ahve to know me so well?". He smiled and said "I just do, so tell me what is bothering you.". I said "It's not really bothering me... It's just hard... It's Jared.", he tilted his head to the side like to tell me to develop and I said "He had a date last night...". ncikys shoulders sank and he got this "I'm sorry"-look on his face and said "And you're not so happy about that?". I felt really uncomfortable but said "No... I should be and I'm happy that he is moving on but.... I didn't think he would do it so soon and...". And nicky continued "and you're scared that you miht lose him?". I clenchd my teetha nd nodded and he said "You won't lose him.", I said "How do you know?". He stroke my cheek and said "For the same reason that you will never lose me, Love. he loves you Madde, he might move on and get a girlfriend but you are still in his heart.". I said "but I want him to be happy Nicky.. It's just... I don't know if I can see him kiss and cuddle with anther woman... God I'm so unfair, both to ajred and zara.". He said "Don't worry so much, of course it's going to be hard to see him with someone else... It's always hard to see someone you love with another person. it's not like you guys broke up in a fight, you still love him don't you?". I carefully nodded and said "Of course I do... He has given me no reason to not love him.". he said "Are you happy with zara?", I smiled and nodded and he said "Good, then i bet jared is happy that you are happy. It's just a date Madde but you shouldn't focus on him so much... focus on zara.". I nodded and said "Can I ask you something?" he nodded and said "Anything.". I looked into his blue eyes and said "Was it hard for you to see me with Jared?". He said "Yeah it was... I've tried so ahrd to let you go, but it's to hard. but now you love zara and I can see that you are happy so I'm happy for you.". I smiled and said "I bet it's not as hard to see me with her is it?". He laughed alittle and said "No, definitely not.", I smiled and said "Good.". He smiled and thn I said "I'm sorry I stole her from you.", he shook his head and said "To tell you the truth... I'm glad you did... I can stop fooling myself for once.". I said "You don't love her, do you?". He shook his head and said "i thought my feelings for her were coming back and that I was losing my feelings for you but... taht wasn't the case. Especially not after the kiss...". I looked down on my hands and said "I should never have kissed you... I'm sorry.", he said "I suppose not but... shit happens..". I nodded and said "I never want to hurt zara like that again..". He said "I know honey.. but you won't.", I said "How can you be so sure?". He said "i'm not, but i have faith in you Madde.". I said "You must be the only one... Mum doesn't even believe us and tove always say "don't hurt zara."... I suppose it's like zara said that one time to me... All I do is hurt the people I love.". He shook his head and sad "madde! that is not ture! Everyone hurts someone at some point and everything that happened this past year... you couldn't contoll that, no one could. Well prove Kristina wrong and ask tove to hae some faith in you. You deserve that.". I said "How come you always have to answers to my questions? Tahnk you.". He smiled and said "I just do. you're welcome. My task in life is to make you feel better.". I smiled and said "i thought it was to sing, but thanks.". He smiled and said "that too, i combine them.". I smiled and said "Good.". Then I saw something in the corner of my eyes and turned my head towards the doorway and saw my amazing girlfriend with red, swollen eyes looking at us. I quickly got up and walked over to her and said "Com here.". She walked into my arms and I wrapped them around her and said "how come you're up honey?". She whispered "You weren't in bed.", i said "i'm sorry... I should have staied.". she shook her head and then I flet nickys hand on my shoulder and then he wrapped his arms around both me and zara and said "Everything is goin to be okay.". Then we all let go of each other and i said "did you just come down?", zara nodded and said "Yeah... I did. how long have you guys been up?". I said "i've just been up for about and hour and a half but nicky has been up since half 5.". She said "I see...", I nodded and said "Are you hungry?", she shook her head and nicky said "You have to eat something zara... Don't freak madde out more then necessary.". Zara looked at me and i said "It's okay but i would really appreciate is you ate something.". She sighed and said "fine..", I was just about to go into the kicthen and get her something whn nicky said "no, you stay with her.. I can go and make her something to eat. Do you want a cup of coffee madde?". I nodded and then he left and i leaned back in the sofa and zara nestled closer to me and i just stroke her arm.

After a while he came back with a sandwish on a plate and two cups of coffee. He smiled alittle when he saw us and put everything down on the table and said "There you go.". I smiled and gave him a greatful look and siad "Thank you Nico.". He nodded and sat down in the armchair and Zara began to eat slowly. Then we heard a girl laugh, scream and run down the stairs and Shanes voice saying "Nicole! Come back here and stop screaming!". I smiled and looked towards the door and then a little girl in a pink pyjamas and with a huge smile on her face ran through the door and then she ran up in the sofa next to me and hugged my arm. I smiled adn said "Good morning Nicole.", she looked at me and smiled and said "Good mornign!". Then she cuddled up under my arm so I put it around her shoulders and then shane came in and looked at us and smiled and said "Nicole...". She just looked at her father and cuddled closer to me and he said "I'm sorry." and looked at me. I just shook my head and siad "It's okay, you can go and get dressed, she'll be right here.". He smiled and said "thanks hun.", I nodded and then shane went upstairs adn then nicole said "I love you Madde.". I smiled and kissed her forehead and said "I love you too honey.". Then she asked what we were going to do today and I stroke zaras back and said "We have a pretty diffecult day ahead of us.. We..." then zara said "We are going to my sons grave...". Then she started to cry again and I pulled her closer to me and kissed her head and then nicole stroke her cheek and said "Everything will be okay Zara...". I smiled and kissed her head too and then Nicky said "Why don't you and I get you some breakfast nciole? Maybe we can fix something for you mum and dad too.". She nodded and Nicky picked her up from the sofa and went into the kitchen and then zara cuddled even closer and I siad "I'm sorry honey.. when are we going?". She said "I don't know... Soon...", I nodded and then she said "I want to show you something.". I nodded and got up and held out my hand to her and said "Come on then.". She took my hand and siad "I love you.", I siad "I wish I had words enough to say how much I love you too.". She smiled slightly and we headed upstairs and into our room and she said "Sit down." and looked at the bed. I did as she said and she went into the wardrobe and and got a big box and put it down on the bed and sat down on the bed next to me and just stared at the box. I took her hand and said "It's okay... Should I open it?", she nodded so I took a hold of the lid and opened it and in it I saw a bunch of old not pads adn I looked at zara who just looked with horror on them and I said "we don't have to do this if you aren't ready. I understand.". She shook her head and slowly picked up the first not pad while tears were falling down her cheeks and she said "I wrote this books when he had just died... It's all my feelings and thoughts about his death and I want you to read them with me.". I swollowed down the lump of tears I had in my throat and said "Okay...", then she slowly opened the note pad and put it in my lap and I looked down on it adn saw the scrabble on it and I picked it up and said "Do you wnat me to read loud or?". She quickly shook her head and said "No! I can't hear it out loud..". I nodded and said "okay...". Then I put the pad on the pillow and laid down on my stomach and Zara laid down next to me and took my hand and we started to read. It was so ahrd to read her words becuase they were so sad and depressed. I felt tears slowly and silently starting to roll down my cheeks and fall down on the bed and I felt that zara was crying too and after about 12 pages I said "I'm sorry... I don't know if I can read anymore..". I sat up and dried my tears and she sat up too and said "It's okay... tahnk you for doing this for me.". I stroke her cheek and said "I'd do anything for you. I love you so much and I'm always here for you.". She nodded and more tears fell down her cheeks and I pulled her closer to me and held her and cried alittle myself and then she suddenly pushed me away alittle and stared at my clothes and said "Aren't those nickys?". I nodded and said "Yeah it is.. I didn't want to wake you up so I went downstairs in just my underwear and Nicky was in the kitchen so he got me some of his clothes... I'm sorry... I'll change.". I was just about to get out of bed and change to my own clothes when she grabbed my arm and said "It's okay... I just got a bit surprised. You look kind of good in them.". She smiled alittle and I felt like trying to get the mood up alittle so I played over alittle and stared at her and said with a very cocky voice "Kind of? I always look hot as hell!". She let out small laugh and said "That's true. sorry baby.". I smiled and kissed her and said "I have to change anyway... I can't walk around in this all day now can I?". She said "I suppose not... Can you put this box away too?". I nodded and took the note pad and put it back in the box and closed it and went to the wardrobe and put it away and then i said "Why don't you go downstairs to nicky and your kids and I'll take a quick shower?". She nodded and I gave her a kiss and she went downstairs while I took a quick shower and put a pair of dark blue jeans on and a black top, then I fixed my hair alittle and put on alittle make up and then I headed downstairs and into the livingroom where everyone, including the Filans where. I walked over to zara who was sitting next to Emma who was sitting next to jocke and I sat down on her other side. I took her hand and then Nicky said "When are you guys going?". Zara just looked down and I kissed her cheek and said "Honey... that's you decision...". She nodded and said "Now..", I nodded and we got up and then Zara gave emma a hug and kissed her cheek and then she hugged nicky who looked really sad. While they hugged I looked at Emma and she was totally empty in her eyes and she looked so down so i sat down next to her and slowly gave her a hug. She got a bit surprised but she carefully hugged me back and I said "I'm so sorry Emma... I can't imagine how it must feel to lose a brother.". I let go of her and she said "thanks..", I just nodded and then I walked over to Nicky and I wrapped my arms around him and he hugged me back and I said "I'm here, you know that.. And shane too.". He nodded and then I let go of him and took zaras hand and we went into the hallway and put more cloths on and she picked out a bag and then she said "We have to go and get some flowers first.". I nodded and then I took the bag from her and we went to my lambo and drove off.

First we stopped at a flower shop and bought a beautiful bouquet and then we drove to the cemetery and Zara took the bouquet and I took the bag and then we slowly began to walk over to antons grave. When we got there Zara gently brushed some snow away from the stone and then she said "Hey baby.. Happy birthday.". Then she picked up a vase and said "Can you go and fill this with water and throw away these old flowers?". I nodded and put the bag down and left her while I went to the chapel to get some water. before I entered I turned back and looked at zara and she was kneeling infront of the stone with her face in her hands and I knew she was crying. I felt my heart drop and it made me so sad to see her like that. I quickly got some water and went back to her and when she heard that I was coming back she dried her tears and stood up and said "Thank you.". I nodded and she took the vase and put the flowers in it and put it infront of the gravestone. Then she took my hand and said "Well... You know Madde. The thing you don't know is that she is my girlfriend... i know it's hard to udnerstand but... I hope you aprove.". Then a new tear began to roll down her cheeks and I brushed it away and said "Don't worry that he won't aprove, it's anton.. He always saw the good in people so hopefully he would think that i'm good enough for you.". She nodded and then bursted out crying and threw herself around my neck. I held her while she cried and then she picked up the bag and put the presents at the grave and once again said "Happy brithday.. Emma, kim, david and Nicky says the same and we all miss you so much! I love you baby.". I wrapped my arms around her again and ew just stood there looking at Antons grave and after about 2 hours I could feel the cold starting to get through my bones so I said "Zara we have to go... I'm sorry.". She cried and I kissed her forehead and said "He wouldn't want you to freeze to death! I don't know what I would do if you did.". She nodded and then she kissed the stone and i gently touched it and we said goodbye and went back to the car and drove back home.

When we got home we heard screaming from inside the house so we quickly went inside and heard David in the kitchen scream at someone. We got undressed and walked over to the kitchen and then we saw who he was screaming at, nicky. Then zara said "what's going on here?" and david turned to her and he looked angry and sad and yelled "Nicky is a dickhead!!". Then zara said "david! you don't say that. what did he do?". then nicky said "He's overreacting... I was looking through this photoalbum to look at anton but then when he walked in there was a pick from maddes 17th birthday...". Zara sighed and then David looked at me and then Nicky and then me again and yelled "I ahte you!! I wish you would die!!". then he ran upstairs and I looked at zara and saw how close she was to breaking apart. i grabbed her and lead her to a chair and sat her downa nd then she just bursted out crying and I said "nicky can you comfort her?". He looked confused and I said "please!?", he nodded and walked over to me and zara and he palced a hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eyes and I knew what he wanted to say, "I'm sorry.". I nodded and kissed zaras head and headed the same way as david went. I stopped outside his bedroom door and knocked on it but he just yelled "Go away!". I shook my head and opened the door and he was lying in his bed and when he saw that it was me he yelled "Go out!! I hate you!! Go away!!". i walked over to his bed and said "David! Stop!", he stood up in his bed so he got taller and said "No!! I wish you would die!!". I said "Sit down. I'm not leaving untill you hear me out.". He just folded his arms and said "Never!", then I sighed and sat down on a chair and said "David.. You are breaking your mothers heart.". He said "No I'm not! I don't care!", I felt how angry I was starting to get but I tried to cool down and I stood up and walked closer to him and looked him in the eyes and said "Why do you think she is downstairs crying for? David... I know you hate me and I know that you don't want to spend time with me or hear me out but you have to atleast hear me out. i love your mother so much and she loves me. And when you say that you want me to die and nicky to die... then you break her heart. Especially today.. I know that today isn't easy for either of you but it's hardest for your mother and she needs you David.. She needs her other son to be there for her and love her and be nice.". He looked away and unfolded his arms so I knew he was understanding what I said. I continued "So.. will you go downstairs and ask her, your father and me for forgiveness?". He said "never to you.", I said "but she wants you too... She's your mum... And she is so so sad and she needs you right now to apologize to us...". He said "no..", I sighed and said "Come on... think about it and then come downstairs and see how sad she is and how mush she's crying and then you make up your mind if you want to apoloize or not.". He sighed and then I left the room, took a deep breath to calm me down and headed downstairs and into the kitchen where Zara and nicky still was and Gillian and shane had satrted with dinner. I walked over to zara and gave her a kissa nd said "Everything will be fine baby, I love you so much.". She said "I love you too Madde.", then I said "Tahnks nico...". He nodded and walked over to shane and gillian to check if they needed some help with dinner and I took zaras hand and we walked into the livingroom and cuddled up in the sofa.

After about 30 minutes Shane walked in and told us that it was dinner and so we went into the diningroom where everyon was sitting and when david saw zara and how sad she was he walked over to her and gave her a hug and said "I'm sorry mum! I love you!". She hugged him abcka dn said "Apologize to nicky and madde too. I love you too honey.". Then he looked at me and said "I'm sorry Madde.", I nodded and said "it's okay kiddo.". Then he looked at nicky and walked over to hima nd said "i'm sorry dad. I love you.". Then they hugged and nicky kissed his head and said "i love you too son, everything is okay.". he nodded and then we all sat down and ate. Then all of the sudden nickys phone started to ring so he excused himself and walked out of the room to pick it up but then he walked abck in, still with the phone to his ear but with a big gorgeous smile on his lips. Then he said "okay, hang on a sec." and then he said "Now you'll hear some amazing news.", and then he put on the speaker on the phone and said "okay makry!". I smled when I heard Marks voice say "Hey guys!", and we all said hello adn then he said "i'm so sorry that it's such a difecult day for you...". Zara said "thanks mark.", and then I said "So what's the news?" and Mark just laughed and said "Always the nosy one.". I huffed and said "Well you can't just expect me to ignore it when nicky said that you have some amazing news!". He laughed and so did shane and nicky and then Mark said "Kevin and I are engaged!". I can't even explain my reaction but i said "Oh my god!! Congratulations!!! I'm so happy for you guys!! wish i was there so i could give you botha big hug!". He laughed and said "Thanks honey!! We are sooo happy about this.". I said "i don't blame you! give Kev a huge hug and a kiss from me will ya?!". He said "of course, I'll do that!", then we talked for a little while longer but then we hung up, finished out dinner and it felt like the whole atmosphere got lighter after our talk with Mark and then Shane said "what about watching some movies tonight? All of us?". WE all agreed that that sounded amazing so we went to the livingroom and cuddled up in the sofas to watch movies. but the first movie was one I had already seen so I took the chance of blogging but now that movie is done so it's my turn to pick and i don't know what I want to watch yet so i really have to stop now...

Tove will write tomorrow and maybe she can talk alittle more about Maja becuase as you have seen i haven't really had the chance to think about her today...
Take care
Love
Madde