Life has to move on

Hey guys!

I hope you had a great friday evening just as we had or I can't talk for everyone but I had an amazing evening anyway and that was thanks to my lovely family and especially three of them. I think you all reday know who I'm talking about ofcourse Jensen, Jared and last but aboulstly not least the most beautiful woman in this whole world Madde. I can't believe she talked to the doctors and convince them to let Jensen home for then night that is just so sweeit I still can't belive she did that for me because I don't deserve it in anyway but I'm so grateful for her kindness and I love her so much I don't know what I would do without her... even thought i'm without her now but I think I will be fine I have too, I have others to care about me.. but i'm still thankful for last night..but let's just say read the inlay and you will understand.

Well I had the best night in a really long time because the man which owns my heart was lying next to me all night long. We went to bed pretty earlie since Jensen is still sick and easly get's tired so around eleven we said good night and went up stairs. We closed the door behind us and then he just grabbed my hand and pulled me into his arms and hugged me, I just closed my eyes and breathed in his scentens, he kissed my head and said " Did I suprise you? " I looked at him smiling and said " Oh yeah! Madde kind of force me to go and opend the door which made me really irrated and all was thinking was bitch. " He laughed and said " Well from that hug I got you didn't seemed that angry to me. " I laughed and said " When I saw you stand there every bad feeling just got blown away." he just stroke some hair away from my face and said " You are so sweet and beautiful. You looke abouslutly amazing tonight. " I just smiled and he said " I really mean that. " I said " I know.. thank you. And you don't look so bad yourself. " He laughed and said " So you think this white pale sick look suits me? " I laughed and then I stroke his cheek and said " You will always be beautiful from the inside out it dosn't matter how you look in my eyes you are always beautiful. " He smiled and kissed my forhead then he started to unbutton his shirt and took it off I just smiled and he looked at me and said " What are you smiling at? " I just laughed and said " Nothing. " He just laughed and shook his head, I got undressed and put on a top. Jensen had all reday crawled down on his side on the bed and I smiled and lied down on my side and said " it feels weird to sleep on my side all reday. " He said " You have been sleeping on my side? " I noded and said " It smells like you. " He smiled and said " No now it smells like you which is even better. " I stroke his cheek and said " How are you feeling? " He said " Pretty good it's just that I get's tired from everything. " I nodded and touch his id bracelets from the hospital that he was wearning on his wrist, then he said " What's going on with Zara? " I said " What do you mean? " He said " First of all she wasn't drinking and second of all I could see Maddes worring eyes when she looked at her and her kids look sad.. " I just sign and he said " Is she pregnate? " I said " No if it was that easy.. she is having some problem with alcohole, she drinks way to much and when I asked her about it a couple of days ago she totally snapped and got really angry with me and she did the same with Madde. " Jensen said " It's Zara she hates fighting... " I said " Exatlly.. " he sign and said " She is making me worried.. " I said " Me too.. Madde, Nicky and the kids confronted her yesterday just camly to tell her what they feel.. this morning she agreed to stop drinking but it just feels to easy.. but I'm probaly wrong. " Jensen said " I hope you wrong and that she can do this with help of her family.. " nodded and he said " This must be so hard for the kids and of course for Madde.. " I said " yeah it is.. " He said " I hope she knows i'm always here for here for both of them. I just wish things could be like they use to before me and Madde... messed up on the car. Because before that we talk about everything, I even sleeped over with Madde when she was living at Niklas. I miss her so much and I love her more then she knows I just hope she will be okay.. " He looked so sad and a tear rolled down his cheek which he dried away and I took his hand and said " I also wish you too could have that same realtionship just as I wish me and Madde would have that relationship again.. " jensen said " I think you will someday just give it sometime." I nodded and said " it feel so amazing to have you in my again. " Jensen laughed and said " In your bed? " I laughed and hit his arm and said " Fine our bed. " Jensen said " Hey! I'm sick, stop hitting me woman. " I just smiled then I said " I have been thinking about something.. I told mum about this when she was in the hospital.. " I bit my lip and he said " Just tell me don't be nervious. " He stroke my hand and I said " I have been thinking about maybe start school again and maybe study medicine... what do you say about that? " He said " I say that I will support you 110 procent and more whatever you decied to do, and to become a doctore seems like a great idea and I know you will be amazing. " I smiled and said " You are amazing. " He stroke my cheek and said " Why was you nervious about telling me this? " i said " Because it will take alot of my time.. but I will probaly wait a couple years intill Dennie is older and since we want more kids. " he said " Why wait so long, why not this autum or next spring? When we decied to have another baby take a year off. " I said " I think about it. " He kissed me and I said " Should we sleep since we have to be at the hospital before ten? " He said " I don't want to sleep just yet, can't we just cuddle a little I have missed you so much. " I smiled and said " I have missed you even more. " He smiled and I looked at Dennie who was sleeping so peaceful in her crib and I said " She is so beautiful. " He smiled and looked at her and said " Yeah she is." I smiled and cuddle closer to him and gave him a amazing kiss then I lied my head on his cheast, he kissed my head and stroke my arm. We laied there for an hour our so I think intill we both fell a sleep.

I woke up from the alarm we had put on eight, I tured it of and then I heard the most beuatiful voice saying " Good morning beautiful. " I smiled and looked at him and gave him a kiss and said " Good morning to you too. " He stroke my cheek and said " Thanks for an amazing night. " I just smiled and kissed him again, then Dennie woke up so Jensen got up and picked her up from her cribe and she smiled and Jensen started to talk to her and they where so cute I just lied there looking at them. Then he looked at me and said " I think she is hungry. " I nodded and sat up in the bed and he gave her to me and said " I can go and shave so you can feed her. " I smiled and said " No Jensen wait.. stay here with me. " His whole face lighted up and said " Are you sure? " I smiled and said " Yes, I want to spend every minut I can with you and I bet Dennie wants the same. " Jensen smiled and sat down on the bed next to us and I started to feed her and Jensen was so happy which made me even more happy. He kissed my head and then stroke Dennies cheek, I smiled and when I was done feeding her I said " Shall we go down and eat something? " Jensen kissed me and said " sound good. " He took my hand and we walked downstairs into the kitchen where mum,Johan, Alex and Alexander was sitting and drinking coffee and talking. We said good morning and so did they and Alex said " You two seems happy. " Jensen smiled and said " We are, my wife is just unbelieveble. " Before I got the chance to say anything Alexander said " You are married?!!!" Everyone started to laugh except Alexander he looked at Alex and said " What the fucking freind are you?! You can't tell me anything! Fuck you alex!" We just laughed even more then Alexander looked at me and said " Why wasn't I invited?" I said " Don't blame this on me talk to miss Karlsson about that, I had nothing what so ever to say about my wedding. " Alexander said " I will talk to miss Karlsson that thinks she is so great! But she can't even remebere here own Alexander!" I laughed and said " Remebere Zara will kick your ass if you say something you shouldn't. " Alexander said " I notice that. But let me see the ring now. " I sign and lied my left hand on the table and Alexander said " It's amazing! " I said " I know. " Then I put Dennie in Alexanders arms and looked at Jensen and said " What do you want for breakfast? " He said " You don't jave to make me anything. " I said " Sit down Jensen you are sick!" Jensen sat down and Alexander said " Jensen learn that you should always listen to the wife otherwise it will just be problems. " Jensen laughed and said " Thanks for the tips. " Alexander laughed and looked at me and said " And Mrs. Ackles seems to know how to handle her husband. " I just stared at him and said " Shut up!! " He just laughed and I said " Dick!!" then he said " Who know little sweeit incent Tove knew those kinds of words! " I just said " It's much you don't know about me, I have change a bit under this years trust me.. and I'm not sure it's to the better. " He just laughed I started to make breakfast, then I put a plait infront of Jensen and a cup and took the same to me and sat down next to him and started to eat. Jensen kissed my cheek and said " Thanks sweeity so much better then hospital food. " I smiled and placed my hand on his thigh and started to stroke it. Then My came running down stairs and ran straight to Jensen, then she looked at my hand on his thigh and said " Why are you doing that, touching his thigh like that? " Evereyone laughed and I said " Because I want to and he dosn't seems to mind. " Jensen just looked at me and smiled, he gave me a kiss andI removed my hand and My sat down in Jensens lap. He kissed her cheek and My said " Do you really need to go back to that hospital? " Jensen stroke her cheek and said " Yes unfortuntly I have too.. but if I could choose then I would rather stay here with you, Dennie and Tove and of course the rest of the family. " My said " I hate hospitals! Everyone goes there! First Tove, then Emil, then Madde and Tove, then Jensen and then Jensen again and Madde..then mum and now you again...I hate it!" I took her hand and said " I know honey that it must be so hard for you because it is for us too, but at the sametime we should be glad there is hosptals and doctors that knows what they are doing and can save our lifes.. right? " Me sign and nodded and then she said " I don't want cancer.. " I lifted her up from Jensens knee and sat her down in mine and said " Honey don't worry about that.. I really wish you never have to go throw what I have, I wish that for everyone but especially my little sister because she have been throw more then a 5 year old girls should. You are a really brave girl and I hope you know I'm proud of you because I really am. I love you so much and no sickness in the world can take away that, okay? " She looked at me and said " But it can take away you... " I kissed her head and said " Yes it can but hopefully that won't happend.. not intill I'm ninety or so. Because I don't want to live you or anyone else that I love and I'm healty right now.. I think or that is what I'm trying to belive anyway. " My thought for a while then she said " How old am I when you are ninety? " I said " You are seventy. " My said " is that older then mum and Johan? " I nodded and she said " Older then Alex and Alexander? " I nodded then she said " That is old!" We laughed then she said " But how old? " I started to count on my fingers and when I had reach seventy and then ninety she said " You can die when you are ninety but not a year before that. " I kissed her head and sign and said " I wish it was that easy.. " She said " Promise! " I sign and said " My that is nothing I can promise.. I'm sorry. But what I can promise is that I will do my best, okay? " She nodded and lied her arms around my neck and said " I love you sis forever. " I smiled and said " And I love you forever that I can promise. She looked at me and I said " Go play instead of thinking about this things. " She smiled and gave me a kiss and then Jensen and ran off. Alexander said " It must be hard for her to be so young and not understand everything.. " I nodded and then I said " But Alex had told tou that I had cancer anyway? " He nodded and said " I had planes to call but it happend so much at home.. I'm sorry. " I smiled and said " It's okay. " Then he said " But you are okay now right? " then I feelt Jensen grabbing my hand under the table and I said " I hope so.. I'm going to spend the whole afternoon and evning maybe night at the hospital tomorrow for some tests because apparently they found something on my last check up.. " He nodded and said " That dosn't sound so good.. " I said " I know but I'm trying to stay posetive even though it's hard. " Mum said " It's tomorrow?" I nodded and I could see how worried she got I walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her and said " Everything will be okay mum.. " She just nodded then I looked at the time and saw that it was just one hour and thirty minuts intill we had to go so I said " I'm going to go upstiars and get ready. " Jensen said " And this time you have to be in time. " I said " I know... that's why I hav eto hurry!" Alexander looked confused and said " It's 1 and half hour left? " Jensen said " Exatlly, you see my woman here isn't very fast when it comes to getting ready she useally needs at least 2 hours.. " Alexander just lookes at me like I was insane I just laughed and said " What?" He said " I don't know anyone that is that slow I didn't even know it was possible! I knew women was slow but not that slow. " I laughed and said " Well your know Zara right? She is almost as fast as I'm. " he just shook his head and I walked upstairs.

I took a shower, made my hair and my make up, then I walked into the closet and after a lot of thinking I put on my white jeans, my grey over size top and my high heels booties that I love, then the braclet that Linus had given me and earrings that I got from Donna, and around my neck I put the key that Jensen have given me where it stood to my heart on. I looked myself in the mirror and then I looked at the time and saw it was 5 minuts before we had to live and I almost got proud of myself. I walked downstairs and now Jared was there too he laughed when he saw me and said " White jeans you better not spill anything on those. " I said " And why should I do that Jare? " He laughed and said " I don't know but why shouldn't you? I would be funny. " I said " You know what I have a feeling that if my jeans are still spotless tonight I have a feeling you will not make then spotless before this day is over... " he just laughed even more. I just sign and said " Jensen honey shall we? " He nodded and both me and Jensen said goodbye to Dennie and left. At the hospital we walked into his room and lied down on his bed he kissed my hair and said " You are amazing. " I just looked at him and said " And you are silly for thinking that. " Then the door opend up and Mattias stepped in and he smiled and said " Good morning, I hope you had a great evening. " I smiled and said " Thanks for letting me borrow him last night that meant so much. " He smiled and said " No problem, and even if I had said no this man here was all reday determent to go he wouldn't have listen if I said no. Because he really wanted to go home to you, but you know he really loves you because he talkes about you all the time. " I just stared at Jensen and said " Stop talking about me!" He just laughed and said " No. " I just gave him amy evil eye but instead he just kissed me which he know I can't resist. Then Mattias looked at Jensen and said " Today we are going to do a lot of tests and a few off them won't be so much fun but we need to get to the bottom of what this is. So after lunch we start so you won't be back in this room intill tonight. " He nodded and then Mattias left. I kissed him and said " Everything will be okay. " He nodded then he pulled me even closer I lied my head on his cheast nd we just lied there for a while. Then my hand wandered under his shirt and I started to stroke his abs and it was so close. After a few minuts I feelt how his hand moved under my shirt and strated to stroke my back and then unhook my bra. I looked at him and said " What are you doing?" He smiled and said " Touching my beautiful wife.. or have that train passed? " I nodded and he counriued " I'm touching my beautiful girlfriend, I love feel her soft skin under my hand. " He gave me a fast kiss and said " I love you are wearing that neckless because I really mean it my heart belongs to you. " I smiled and said " I feel the same." He smiled and then he said " Don't you want to take a shower with me? " I said " Jensen you know you can't have sex right now.. " He said " I know but can't we just cuddle? I smiled and nodded and we got up from the bed and he took my hand and lead me into the bathroom which isn't the most nicest bathrooms. I locked the door and we got undressed and e looked so gorgous like always which made me smile. We stepped into the shower and jensen tured the water on and let it pour over us. I kissed him and he kissed me back then he took my left hand and looked at the rings and smiled and I smiled back, he kissed the rings and I kissed his neck, then he pulled me into his arms and we just stood there holding each other for a long time and it was so good to feel his body so close to mine. So perfect and romantice I never wanted it to stop, but unfortuntly it had too.. after an hour our so we got out and got dressed then a nurse came in and said they had to go. Jensen gave me a long passionet kiss and whisperd I love you call you later. " Before I got the chnace to say something he left.

I drove home and I meet Jessie and she said that mum,Johan, Alex,Lisa and Alexander had gone some where and they had taken Dennie with them. I nodded and called on Ebba and she came running, she so adorble I love her so much. I kissed her head and put on her leash and walked outside it was a beuatiful winter day so I walked for about an hour then I decied to go and visit the byrnes & Svensson & Karlsson family. I knocked on the door but no answer so just walked in and I heard music from the kitchen so I walked over there and found Zara sitting in the kitchen paiting her finger nails and singing to the radio. I just smiled and stood there listning to her for a little while then I knocked on the doorframe and she stopped singing and tured around and looked at me and said " Don't scare me like that, how long ahve you been standing there? " I laughed and said " Sorry... a minut or so. " She laughed and said " Why didn't you say anything? " I said " Because it's not everyday I get to hear you sing. " She said " Well I'm not that good." I looked at her like she was insane and said " Seriosly you should get your hearing cheaked out because you have to have something wrong with it since you are abouslutly amazing! " She said " Now you sounds like Nicky, Sara and Mark... " I said " What are they saying I bet it is something wise. " She sign and said " They think I should try a solo career.. but I don't know things with Carry love is going so well right now and I just don't know.. Nicky has really been nagging me about this for years..we will see. And now I'm in a new relationship with Madde and I really want to give her everything, and the kids and now Emma is pregnate and so on.. " I nodded and said " Put even thought all this things remebere yourself too, what you need to be really happy. Because you can't be a good mum or girlfriend if you are not happy youself.. " She said " I know I think about it okay.. and btw come in don't stand there." I smiled and sat down on the otherside of the table and Ebba walked over to Zara and she started to scraths her head then she lie down on the floor and Zara said " Plus my modeling agency from Paris called me this morning too and asked if I wanted to fly down there this weekend for a runway show and then one of my freinds and favorite Photographers wants to have photo shoot with me in just pantis and with alot long hair stuff with a cool set which they haven't decied yet it was for something I don't think it was a magazine but something like that.. " I smiled and said " That sounds like fun, so what did you say? " Zara said " I said I was going to think about it and I told him about Emma, then Nicky and me and that I had the most amazing girlfreind right now which made him a little chocked. But he said I should bring her because he would love to meet her and then he tried to convince me and said that he was sure that Madde wanted to see me work and see how fantastic I'm..and blablabla" I laughed and said " You know if Madde get borde while you are working she has Vic there. " Zara said " Who was that the man she proposed too? " I nooded and she said " Just great! " I laughed then we sat there a few seconds in silnce, then Zara looked at me and said " Look.. I'm very very sorry about how I acted the other day, I was childish and had no right to do that. I'm so sorry!" I said " I forgive you.. but I'm not taking back what I said. " She nodded and said " Thanks and I understand that." Then I looked towards the beautiful bouquet who standing on the table almost next to Zara, but then I notice a glass which almost was hidden behind the vase and it had some reddish in it.. and it looked like a drink so I could feel the worrie inside started to change to anger instead. Apperntly Zara had seen that I was staring at it so then she lifted up the glass and said " Here taste it. " I looked at her with suspicious eyes but I took the glass in my hand and took a zip, then she said " So? Was there any alchole that you could taste? " I shook my head and said " I'm sorry. " She nodded and then she looked at me said " Do you want something? Coffee or anything? " I smiled and said " No thanks I'm fine.. so what did Alexander say yesterday then? " Zara sign and said " He was angry maybe even furious..and when he finally let me say something i convinced him not to say anything to dad or Alex or whatever because then I know Johans night would be destroied.. I don't know what he will do with me when he find out.. kill me? He will be so furious more then anyone can discribe.. and we have fought many times but I have a feeling this will be the worse time..I'm just waiting on him to come rushing in here.." Then we got inturrupted by Emma that walked into the kitchen and she said hi to me and then looked at Zara and said " Mum David need som help with some homework I think upstairs. " Zara said " Right now? " Emma nodded and I said " You go I will be fine. " Zara smiled and walked upstairs, Emma sat down with the table and I looked at her and said " How are you doing? " She sign and said " I bet you know.. so I don't know how I feel.. " I nodded and said " I know you can do this if you want too, you are an amazing young woman remebere that. But also remebere you should listen to your heart not what everyone else is saying, if you feel it's the right to do an abortion then you should do it but just if you are 110 procent sure. Becuse remebere you are the one that have to live with the dection you made for the rest of your life. " She said " I know.. it's just hard.. you wasn't that happy when you got pregnate right? " I said " No I wasn't, I didn't want a baby. But I have never regreted my desction from the first time I saw my daughther she is the best thing that have ever happend to me and I love her so much. " Emma thought for a while then she said " It just feels like I will disappoint mum in whatever I decied to do.. " I said " What do you mean? " She sign and said " If I would do an abortion it feels like I would let her down because I know she would never do that and if I keep it then I will disappointe her because I will never be such a amazing mum as she was and is, and I'm soon turning 16 so I'm a year older then she was.. I don't want to let her down... again. " I took her hand that was lying on the table and said " Emma..honey don't think about that and I know that your mum will be there for you throw everything whatever you decied to do, she loves you more then any words can say. You know I still think you would be a great mum if that what's you decied to do. And even thought Nicky might be a little angry that is just because he is scared and loves you, he will be there for you I promise. " She nodded and said " Thanks it helped talking to you. " I said " Good and also always here if you need me, I love you. " She smiled and said " I love you too. " Then Emmas phone rang and she looked at it and when she saw who it was she smiled and I said " Is it Mattias? " She nodded and I smiled back and said " What are you waiting for answer? " She smiled and picked up and left after a minut or so Zara came back and sat down again and I said " You have an amazing daughther do you know that? " She smiled and said " I know. " Then I said " So what do you say about all this? " She said " Well she dosn't think she can do this.. but I know if she decieds to keep the baby I know she can do this and I will do everything I can to help her. I also thinks that all she have thought about is how hard it will be to have a baby which is true it is.. but it must be just as hard to take it away.. I don't think she have even thought about that.. " I said " Yeah it will be hard whatever she decied.. " Zara nodded.. then Emma steped into the kitchen again and she looked so happy and in love I just smiled and she sat down next to me. Zara looked at her and said " And when did you and Jocke go to bed last night? You look tired.. " She said " Around 4 maybe we watch a few movies. " Zara nodded and said " Dose he know? " Emma nodded and said " yes he dose, and he said he would be by my side. " Zara smiled and said " When things like this come up then you will decied who your real friends are.. trust me.." Emma said " That's why I haven't told anyone more then Jocke yet.. " Zara took her hand and said " Evereyting will be okay sweeity. " Emma looked at her and said " What do you think I should do? " Zara sign and said " I can't answer that it's not my destion.. " Emma sign and said " Parents always decied everything eles... but you ahve to have a oppinion about this? " Zara said " I can say like this, to carry a baby is hard, you will get tired, feel sick, gain alot of weight, be hungry, your back will hurt, your boobs will be sore and everything will hurt, but when you see your baby you will forget about all that and just feeling I can't decribe. But to be pregnate is probably easy to compaire when the baby is born it takes alot of time, alot of eniergi, you won't sleep at night, it cost alot of money, you will be exhausted for years intill they get older and then they start fight back about everything you say, then the teenage years are not easy with girlfreinds and boyfreinds that break there hearts, schoole and homework they dosn't want to do, smoking,drinking and so on. But do an abortion will not be easy.. I think I know you and if I do I think you are allreday starting to feel something for that person who is growing inside of you, so try to imagen how hard it will be to take that away.." Emma said " But still you have to have a option about what you think I should do? " Zara said " Well this is my oppinion you decied you where mature enough to have sex so then you have to be mature enough to make a dection. But what ever dection you take I will be there by your side every step on the way and do everything I can to help you. But neither of the destion will be easy but you ahve to feel what's right for you. I mean people are not very nice either like i said you will find out who are you real friends right now. Because teenagers are not that nice so yes they will stare at you and probaly say some really mean things I think,I have heard them all and some growen ups aren´t that much better they will also stare and give you weird glares, but just ignore them jut think about you okay? " Emma nodded and said " So what do you think I should do from here? " Zara said " I think you should go and do an ultrasound. " Emma said to her " Can you come with me? like tomorrow I want to get it done. " Zara said " Sure honey. " Emma walked over to Zara and gave her a hug and said " I love you mum and thanks." Zara smiled and said " Love you too honey, I'm always here if you need to talk. " Emma nodded and gave me a hug too, when she was on her way to leave the kitchen she tured around and looked at Zara witha big smile and said " And mum you will be a great grandma too just so you know. " Then me and emma started to laugh and Zara just stared at her and said " Shut up kid go to your room or something!" Emma just laughed and left. I countinued laughing and Zara just stared at me and said " And you should also shut up!" I laughed even more and said " What are you going to do? Send me to my room? " Zara just give me the evil eye but then I said " Well it is time for me to go, I'm going to go and see how Sofie is doing after her chemo. " Zara nodded and said " I feel so bad for her.." I said " me too.." then the front door opend and after a few seconds Nicky walked into the kitchen and Zara said " Where have you been? " He said " I have been at Antons grave with some flowers and lighten a candel, it was beautiful like always. " Zara sign and said " I'm a horrible mother It have gone by more then a week since I was there last time.." Nicky walked over to her and stroke her back and said " You are an amazing mum and you know that. Anton was a lucky kid to have you as his mother and you know he loved you deeply. " Zara just sign and said " Whatever.. " Nicky looked at her and said " Zara come on.. " she just said " What? My oldest daughther is pregnant, my oldest son is death, my youngest daughther is just against everything right now and my youngest son dosn't like my girlfreind, what dose that say about me? " Nicky said " Nothing of all that is your fauilt. " Zara sign and said " Can we please just change subject. " Nicky kissed her head and said " Fine, but tomorrow we will go by his grave okay? " Zara nodded and then she said " Dinner.. we need to go to the grocery store. " Nicky said " I can do that if you want to? " She nodded and then I said " By the way where is Madde? " Nicky answer quicky " She is with Kim in her room. " I looked at him confused and he said " She is painting her. " Zara said " Is that why both of them was so weird earlier and didn't want to talk to me. " NIcky said " Oh god maybe I wasn't suppose to say anything.. " Zara said " Well I'm glad they are haning out I acutlly think they can have a lot of fun together. " then I said " I really shoudl get going now, I stood up then Madde arrived in the kitchen in just a white robe. Ebba got really happy when she saw her and ran over to her, Madde patted her a little then I walked over to her and wrap my arms around her and said " I love you so much. " I kissed her cheek and she said " I love you too!" Then kim said from upstairs " Madde are coming? But bring me a glass too. " Madde answerd and said " Just wait a little Tove is here.. " I smiled and stroke her cheek and said " Beautiful. " She smiled and I said " I really should go now.. " Madde said " Are you going to Jensen again? " I said " No he is doing a lot of tests today and won't be back intill tonight.. I'm going to Sofie and see how she is doing.. " I could see how Maddes smile disappeard and she nodded and said " Okay. See ya. " Then she tured around and walked towards the stairs I looked after her and said " Madde! Please!" She said on her way upstairs " I'm fine, you go and gave fun. " then she disappeard upstairs.. I sign and looked at Nicky and Zara but they didn't say anything. I gave Zara a hug goodbye then Nicky looked at me and said " Are you walking since I didn't see a car? " I nodded and he said " Isn't Sofie like living far away from here? " I nodded again and he said " Do you want a ride since I'm going to the store? " I said " Sure, thanks. " He nodded and we got dressed and walked out to the car and I but Ebba in the backseat.

Nicky started to drive and aftar a few minuts of silence I said " How are you doing? I mean you must be worried about Zara? " Nicky said " I'm, even a lot worried. I'm scared that things have gotten to far with her drinking problem and now she will do everything she can to hide it instead. " I nodded and said " Do you still love her or maybe I should say are you still in love with her? " Nicky didn't say anything for a few seconds then he said " It's not that I don't love her because I do, I would do anything for her. She is the mother of my children so I will always love her and she is still the love of my life and always will be no one can change that. I have never feelt like that with anyone else then Zara, from the first time I saw her I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I remebere how nervious I got when she started to talk to me and every word just came out wrong but apprently it worked in some werid but good way and those 13 years is the best one in my life. So then you want to know if Zara still is the love of my life how I can fall in love with some one else.. well much happend that year and Madde really needed me so much, I knew she was in love with me long before she told me but I had no idea I was in love with her not intill I think it was Kian that told me, I got scared because this wasn't what I wanted I was happy with my life and I didn't want to hurt the person that meant to most to me which was Zara, but I couldn't lie to her either she deserves better then that. And she knews me better then anyone else so I knew she knew something was wrong so I just had to tell her. I know I did it in the most horrible way ever but I paniced and everything just got messed up. So I don't know how I could fall in love with someone else but what I do know is that she will always be the love of my life and that I probably will never feel like that for someone else. But answer to your qustion is I don't know.. I mean I'm not crazy in love with her but I'm not totally over her either, I mean from 13 years together a few month apart can't take every feeling away. " I just nodded and then he said " Can I ask you something? " I said " yeah sure. " He said " This with Sofie that you are haning out so much you are not just doing that to get back on Madde right? Since I know you thought it was hard when she was with me all the time which I do understand. But this is not some kind of revenge? " I said " No Nicky it's not. I love Sofie and we have a great time toghther. Sofie needs me right now she is in a hard time in her life right now and she needs someone to talk to, and I understand what she is going throw and she understands me. " He nodded and said " Good, because you know she is sorry for the way she treated you last year and so am I. " I said " I know and I'm glad you where there for her when I couldn't.. But apprently I'm not there for her now either so what dose it matter.. " Nicky carefully took my hand which was lying on my knee and said " She misses you so much. " I took back my hand and said " Well I miss her too but if feels like she don't get that! I don't want it to be this way more then she dose! It's not like she is putting more efford in to this then I'm!" before he said anything I said " And don't say anything because you will always be on her side no matter what it is and thinks he is right, so I don't want to agrue with you because then me and Madde will never be freinds!" Nicky just looked at me and said " Just talk to her. " then he looked back at the road again.

I tolding him to stop infront of the high aprtment house and he did and then he looked at me and said " Talk to her. " I just sign then he said " How are you doing after everything that have happend with Jensen? " I said " Just great.. " Nicky touched my arm and I just said really bitch " Nicky stop touching me!!" he took away his hand and I took a deep breath and then I looked at him and said " I'm sorry that was not nessery.. I'm just having a really difficult week and my mod is not on top. I just want to lie down in my bed and pull the cover over me and just lie there and forgett everything about life. Or die..even better. There you have your answer. " he said " Evereything will be okay, Jensen will be okay. " I just sign and then looked at him with a smile and said " Thanks Nicky for the ride, see ya!" he looked at me and said " If you ever want to talk I'm here whatever it is. " I said " Sure..bye. " He said good bye and I opend the back door and Ebba jumped out and we walked into the apartment house and took the elevator to the 7th floor where they lived. I knocked on the door and Oliver opend the door, he smiled when he saw me and gave me a huge hug even thought we have just meet 2 times before, then Alvin came running and shouted happy " Tove!" I smiled and picked him up and gave him a hug meanwhile Oliver was patting Ebba and started to play with her. I put Alvin down and both of the started to play with Ebba and they whern't that quilt but what can you expect with to young boys in the house. I looked Oliver and he looked so happy then I said " Where is your mum? " Oliver said " In the bedroom she is feeling bad from that bad medicin she got at the hospital teh otherday.. " I nodded and took of my jacket and shoes and walked towards the bedroom. The door was opend and I saw a person in the bed under the cover with alot of balnkets over her too.. I carefully knocked on teh doorframe, she tured around and looked at me, she gave me a week smile and said " Come in. " She sat up a little and I walked over to her and sat down on the bed and took her hand, she looked so pale and weak and I said " You look beautiful. " She just laughed a little and said " Yeah right. " I smiled and said " You do. So where is Jim? " She sign and said " On some business trip he won't be home intill tomorrow night.. so I'm alone with those two monsters. " I said " Can you rest anything? I mean they are not so quit. " She said " Rest what is that? " I nodded and then seh said " But to be honest I think Jim his having an affair.. " I said " Why do you think that? " She said " Because he was on another trip last weekend and the weekend before that..and it's not like we have sex anymore.. plus if he would be working he is not bring home any money... " I said " Honey.. I don't know what to say.. " She said " You don't have to say anything.. it's probaly some 20 year old fake boob bimbo- " I laughed and said " Sorry for laughing.." She smiled and said " It's okay. " I said " But if he is that stupid then he don't know what he will be loosing.." I gave her a hug then the boys came running into the bedroom with Ebba and Oliver said " Mum! Look Tove took her dog with her, she is so cute! " Then Alvin jumped up in the bed and said" Mum! " Then oliver also got up in the bed and yelled at her too and then the boys started to fight and I could almost see how Sofie just wanted to die right there and then. So I looked at the boys and said " Guys do you want to come with me for some ice cream in the mall? So mum can sleep a little. " Both of them started to jump up and down and throw there arms around my ncek and said thank you, then I said " Bathroom first to pee then get dressed. " They did exatlly what I said and ran into the hallway and then bathroom. Sofie smiled and said " You don't have too. " I smiled and said " No but I want to, you just relax and sleep. Do you need something? " She smiled and said " Thanks and I really mean that you are an amazing freind! No I'm okay. " I smiled and said " Just call whatever it is. " She nodded and then said " Maybe it's one thing I need. " I said " JUst name it? " She smiled and said " Can Ebba stay? " I smiled and said " She is yours for the day if you want her? " She smiled and said witha weak voice " Thanks.. can she sleep in the bed? " I nodded and told Ebba to jump up which she did and lie down close to sofie then I said " If you want her to go down just tell her. " She said " I doubt that will happend but okay. " I gave her a hug then she looked even more pale and said " I think I gave to throw up again. " I gave her one of those plastic bags you get from teh hospital if you feel sick and she trow up in it, I stroke her back. Then she looked at me and I kissed her forhead and said " Everything will be okay,you will be okay. Don't give. " then she lie down agian and Ebba cuddle up even closer to her. Then Alvin came into the bedroom fully dressed and looked at me and said " Let's go!" I laughed and said " I be right there. " I looked at sick sofie and said " Will you be okay? I can stay if you want too? " She said " No you go.. my boys need to get away from sick mummy they need some fun, I just need to sleep. " I nodded Sofie said " It's money in my jacket for the ice cream" I just smiled and started to walk out of there and said " Don't worry about that." I goodbye and walked out to the hallway and got dressed. Then I took Oliver in his hand and Alvins hand in my other. We took the subway and when we got to the mall it was pretty much people. We went to the ice cream bar and they got to choose two ice creams balls each, which I also did and we sat down at a table, they where so happy. Then Oliver looked at me and said " Are you rich? " I laughed and said " What did that qustion come from? " He just shrugged and I said " Why do you think I'm rich? " He said " because you always look so nice, you have a nice car, a cut dog and mum said you lived in a big house. " I smiled and said " Well I'm not rich but my mum is and my boyfreind is. " Alvin said " I thought he was your husband? " I said " He is my... husband.. " Oliver said " So you don't have like a lot of money on your card.. like 20110 kr? " I laughed and said " Yes I do.. " he said " Then you are rich!" I just laughed and said "Eat your ice cream kid. " he just smile and he was so cute both of them where because they had ice cream every where in there face, then Alvin said " I want more ice cream.." i said " Sorry sweeity.. you have to eat some dinner later. " then Oliver all the sudden said " Will mum die? " I just looked at him and he had stopped eating and both of the was looking at me..I dind't know what to say..what do you tell a 3 year old and a 6 year old kids that there mum might not make it, but at the sametime you don't want to lie to them kids are smarter then we think. So I looked at them and said " Your mum is really sick, but she is also very strong and she will do her best to fight this, so everything will just fine. " Oliver said " Strong like a super hero? " I smiled and said " Yeah something like that. " Alvin said " Superhero!" Oliver looked at his brother and said " Then mum will be fine!" They smiled and countinue eating there ice creams and I couldn't help to think that maybe she wouldn't be fine.. there was a play ground on the bottom floor and of course the boys had seen that so when al three of us had finsh our ice cream Alvin said with a big smile on his face " Can we go and play? " I just smiled and Oliver took my hand and said " Please Tove!" I just laughed and said " Fine!" They gave me a hug and we walked down a stair and they ran away amd plaied with the other kids. I sat down on a beach and looked at them it was great to see them so happy. After a few minuts a man came and sat down next to me and he was handsome. He looked at me and then at the boys and said " Cute mosters you have. " I looked at him and said " It's my friends kids. " He said " Oh okay cute kids your freind has then. By the way I'm Oscar. " I smiled and shook his hand and said " Tove, so who is your kid? " He smiled and said "Beautiful name. Such a amazing friend you must be to take care of her kids. " I said " There mum is sick so I thought she needed some sleep, since that is not hapning with those two at home. " He laughed and said " I can understand that. . " I laughed and then I said " So you never answer which was your kid? " He smiled and said " Well she is in the clothing store with a freind I'm just driving and probably paying. " I laughed and said " How old is she? " He said " Soon 11. " I nooded and said " So why are you sitting here then? " He smiled and said " Well because of all the beautiful women of course. " I said " Are you flirting with me? " He laughed and said " Is it that obvious? Then I'm not so good as I thought I was. " I laughed and said " Apprently not" He smiled and said " Interested? " I just laughed and said " Do you always go and flirt with every women at playgrounds? " He smiled and said " No just the beautiful once. " I said " Do you even have a daughther or do you just sit here? " He laughed and said " Maybe, maybe not. " I shook my head and laughed and he said witha smile " So interested? " I smiled and said " Maybe, maybe not. " He just laughed then two young girls came walking towards us one was blond and the other had brown hair. Oscar smiled and said " Here they come. " The browheaded girl loked at Oscar and said " Dad I found really cool shoes, please?" he smiled and said " Sure honey, you go I follow you. " The girls started to walk away and he looked at me and said " Tove I be back in 10 minuts I'm hope you still are here then. " then he tured around and follow the girls. I looked at Alvin and Oliver who had the best time, I just smiled where i sat there looking at them. And after 10 minuts I heard a voice saying " Guess who's back? " I looked at him and laughed and he sat down again and said " What's up with women and there shoes? I mean it's just shoes you walk in them then they get destroied and throw them away. I don't get the big deal." I stared at him and said " Don't call them that!" He looked at me confused and said " What?" I said " Don't call them just shoes!!" he started to laughed and said " You are one of them! " I said " Shut up! it's like the best thing ever!" he laughed and said " Even better then sex? " I laughed and said " I'm not disgusing this with you! But no it's not better then sex but almost. " He just laughed even more and put his arm around my shoulders I looked at it then I slowly removed it and he just said " Sorry, I don't know how that got there. "I said " Yeah right. " He just smiled and said " So what do you work with? " I said " I do not work, and you? " He said " I'm a fire fighther, but now it's mostly just papper work because I hurt my knee last year. But in a few month I will be fit fore fight again. " I just smiled and he said " And now you are thinking about my body naked, all women do when they here what I work with. " I laughed and said " I don't do that trust me!" He laughed and said " Sure. " I just gave him my evil eye then he smiled and said " So still not interested? " I said " Sorry.. I'm married. " I showed him my left hand and he smiled and said " So am I. " He showed me his left hand too and I said " Sorry I don't do that.. " He smiled and said " To bad, because you are drop death gourgous and seems really nice. " I smiled and said " Thanks." Then my phone rang and it stood Jensen on teh display so I looked at Oscar and said " I just have to take this. " he smiled and nodded and I walked away a little and answer and he said happy " Hi baby, what's up? I smiled and said " I'm taking care of Alvin and Oliver because sofie wasn't feeling so good.." he said " I feel so bad for her give her a hug from me. " I said " I will, so what are you doing? " He said " No much I'm going to get a X ray any minute just lying here wating. So I thought I should call my beauiful girlfreind. " I smiled and said " You are so sweeit for thinking about me. " He said " I always think about you baby. So what are you guys doing then? " I smiled and said " We are at the mall we have eaten ice cream and now they are playing in the playground and I meet a nice man that is flirting with me. " I thought he would be jealous but apprently not and he said happy " Is he hot? " I laughed and said " Yeah acutlly he is, he is a firefighther!" Jensen laughed and said " Women and there unifroms. I just laughed and then he said " Are you also flirting? " I said " Yeah maybe a little... I'm sorry. " he laughed and said " It's okay, it's just inocent." I smiled and said " Thanks. " he said " So have he asked you out? " I said " Yeah, he also said I was drop death gorgous." He said " Well then he is a smart man. " I smiled and said " You are sweeit. " He said " I know. But honey now I have to go the nurse is here. Call you later, love you, bye. " I smiled and said " Love you too, bye. " we hang up and I walked back to Oscar and he said " Your husband? " I nodded and he smiled and was just about to say something when is phone rang and he picked up and when he hang up he said " Now apprently those girls and reday to go home, finaly!" I laughed and he said " But thanks for the companie it made my day, I have never had this much fun at the mall before. " I smiled and said " Don't worry about it. " Then he picked up a pieace of papaer and wrote something. Then he put it in my hand and I looked at it and it was a phone number, I looked at him and he smiled and said " Call me if yo change your mind.. or if you just want to talk. But I rather see you chnage your mind, but I take what I can get. " I just laughed and he said " Take care of my number don't lose it. " i lauged and then al teh sudden he kissed my cheek and said " See you Tove. " I said " How can you be so sure about that? " He laughed and said " Bye. " Then he walked away. I just looked after him and chook my head and put the number in my leather jacked pocket.

After another hour Oliver and Alvin came running and sat down on the beach, Oliver said " I'm hungry. " I said " Well then we can go and buy some groceries and go home. They nodded and Alvin said " can't we eat meatballs and macaronis? " I smiled and said " Sure, dose your mum like that? " They nodded and we walked over to Ica where they had a compition for kids and you could winne a white mug and candy, so of cours ethey wanted to do that. Both of them won and they wher so happy, then I bought what we needed and we went back to the appartment. When we opend the door Ebba came running and she said first hello to me and then to the kids. I snecked into the bedroom and sofie was still a sleep, so I quitly close the door and walked into the kitchen and looked att the boys and said " Your mum is sleeping. " They nodded and then Alvin said " I want to give my mug to mum" Oliver said " Me too. " I smiled and said " You are so nice. But I have an idea we can see what kids of painting colors you have and maybe you can paint something nice on the mugs. " They smiled and we went into there rooms and after a while we found a coulor that would draw on poslin and we put out a wax cloth on the table and but on them approns and they started to pain and they ahd so much fun. Mean while I started to roll the meatballs. When the boys was done with there mugs they looked so cute and we but them in the oven so it would burn for a while. I looked at them and said " let wash your hands. " They laughed and ran over to me and started to smear color all over my arms, they just laughed and so did I, then Oliver said " Now you need to wash your arms too. " I just laughed and said " Let's go then!" They ran into the bathroom and got up on a footstool and I tured on teh water and helped them wash it off and then I washed myself. They sat down in the kitchen and helped me clean the table and then helped me set the table, they are so sweeit boys. I started to fry the meatballs and cook the macaronis, then I took out the mugs from the oven so they would cool off. When it was time for dinner I opend the door quilty and looked over at the bed, I walked over to her and stroke her head and she opend her eyes and looked at me and I said " Sweeity is dinner, you need to try to eat something. " She nodded and I said " How are you doing? " She said " Little better, you are my angel. " I smiled and kissed her forhead and Sofie got slowly up from bed and she put on her sofie pants and hoody. I took her hand and we walked out to the kitchen both Oliver and Alvin ran over to there mum and gave her a hug, I just smiled they where so cute. Then we sat down and both boys talked at the sametime about the whole day and told there mum about it meanwhile we started to eat. Sofie looked at me and said " You are amazing! The best meatballs I have ever tasted!" I just smiled and said " Own recipe, just take what I have. " She smiled and said " Amazing! You should be a chef. " I just laughed and said " I'm not that good, and this is just meatballs." She said " Still, you have no idea how long it was since we ate home made meatballs. So no it's not just meatballs. " I just laughed and shook my head, when everyone was full Alvin said " Can I give Ebba a meatball? " I smiled and said " Sure honey. " Then oliver said jealous " I want to do that too. " I smiled said " You do that, she will be your freinds forever. " They smiled and took a meatball each and walked into the livingroom and Sofie smiled and said " Thank you so much. " I just smile and she said " Well it's good that my boys like cheep food since we can not afford anything else.. even though Jim works all the time as he say he dose.. " I took her hand and said " Are you having money problems? " She sign and said " Well it's a little harsh now when I'm not working and the hospital bills are not sheep either and kids cost money.. but we are doing all right for now. We can pay rent, electricity and food that is the most importent right? " I said " If you need money.." She stopped me and said " No Tove, you are doing so much all reday. " I said " You are my friend and if you need help I understand it's nothing to feel bad about I would love to help. " She said " We are okay right now. " I nodded and said " But promise to tell me if you need help okay? " She said " I promise, thank you so much for this whole day you are the best freind a woman can ask for. It's not everyone that would take care of your kids for a whole day and cook dinner. " I smiled and she gave me a hug and I said " Well you took care of my dog. " She laughed and said " Not the same. " I smiled and said " Well in the playground I got asked out on a date too. " She looked at me with a smile and said " Was he hot? " I laughed and nodded she said " Tell me all about him. " I smiled and told her what he had said then she said " But it's not so weird people are hitting at you I mean you are gourgous! You must be use to it!" I sign and said " Thanks.. and no I'm not use to it. When you have a friend looking like Madde then you are use to not being notice. but I understand she is amazing. " Then my phone rang and it was mum so I picked up and she said that Alex, Lisa, Alex, Johan and her was going to go out to dinner and she was wondering if I was on my way home since she had Dennie. I smiled and said " Can't you drop her off her on the way? " She sign and said " Fine!" I smiled and said " Thanks mum your the best!" She just sign and we hang up.

After 30 minuts it knocked on the door and there was mum, she gave Dennie to me and she was smiling I kissed her head and said " Hello sweeity. " Mum walked over to Sofie and gave her a hug and said " You are strong, if you need anything we are always here. " Sofie smiled and said " Thank you so much. " she kissed my cheek and walked towards the door and I said " Mum, you look amazing. " She tured around and smiled and said " Thank you honey. " I smiled and she left. Sofie said hello to Dennie and so did the boys then they went back to playing with Ebba. Then Sofie said " Is it okay if I take a shower? " I said " Of course sweeity take your time, yell if you need something. " She nodded and said to the boys that she was going to the shower. I was just about to start cleaning in the kitchen when I heard the front door opend up and I heard a womans voice shouting out hello, then both Alvin and Oliver shouted happy " Grandma!" They ran into the hallway with Ebba after them and after a couple minuts they ran into the livingroom again to play with Ebba. Then a woman with brow hair walked into the kitchen she smiled when she saw me and sadi " You must be Tove have heard so much about you!" I smiled and she shook my hand and said " I'm Sofies mum Signe it's really nice to finally meet you. " I smiled and said " Nice to meet you too. " she said " Home made meatballs? I thought my daughther would feel sick from the chemo not better with more energi. " Then Oliver came and said " Tove made us dinner, and she have taken us to the play ground and we have eatn ice cream too. She is the best!" I just laughed and stroke his hair and Signe looked at me and said " Really, how sweeit aren't you? I'm so happy sofie have found a freind like you that will be there throw everything. " I smiled and said " Thanks, she is an amazing woman and I'm so glad to have her in my life too. She is helping me just as much as I'm heling here if not even more. Your daughther is just unbeliveble. " She smiled and said " Yeah she is. It so amazing to see you look so beautiful and healty. " I smiled and said " It feels good too.. but unfortuntly my doctors found something on my liver and I have to do alot of new tests.. " She said " I really hope they won't find anything.. " I nodded and she said " I also heard about your husband, I hope he will be okay. " I said " Thanks he will. " Then Dennie started to crow from her stroller, Signe smiled and said " Can I pick her up? " I smiled and said " Of course. " She picked her up and Dennie looked at her with big blue eyes really confused. Signe said " She is beautiful, so cute. " I smiled and she said " She lookes alot like you. " I smiled and said " I know she has my eyes, but she lookes alot liek Jensen too. " She smiled and nodded and now Dennie looked happy too, then I said " Do you want some dinner? " She smiled and said " Would love too" I gave her a plate and she started to eat with Dennie still in her arms and she looked at me and said " Amazing!" I said " Thanks. " She said " Where is my daughther? " I said " She is in the shower. " She nodded and said " Well I should get going before it gets to dark, tell her I call her tomorrow. " I nodded and I said " It was really nice to meet you and t will probaly not be the last time. " she smiled and said " You too and no probely not. I'm just so happy that she have you by her side throw everything and that you can make Alvin and Oliver happy too it's hard for them. " She gave me Dennie and then I said " Thank you. " She gave me a hug and then Oliver and Alvin and left. I put Dennie down on the floor in the livingroom with Oliver and Alvin and sat down too. Ebba came and lie down next to Dennie and after few minuts I looked at Oliver and said " Can I live Dennie here with you while I do the dishes? " He smiled and sadi " I take care of her. " I smiled and stroke his cheek and went into the kitchen. When I was done with the dishes Sofie called on me and I walked over to the bathroom and stopped outside the door and asked what was wrong and she laughed and said " I forgot a towel. " I laughed and said " You suck. " She said " I know! Can you get me one it's in my bedroom ." I went in there and found and opend the door to the bathroom and walked in there, I gave her the towel. I couldn't help myself for looking at her big beuatiful boobs, because they are really perfect and i can't belive that those was what made her sick. She looked at me while she wrapped the towel around her body and said " What are you looking at? " I just shook my head and said " Nothing.. " she said " Tell me. " I sign and said " I can't belive you have such gourgous breast and.." She said " and I might have to cute them off.. I have always loved my boobs and everything about it and this have always been my worse nightmare.. and in a week or so I will find out what will happend.. " I nodded and said " I'm so sorry.. " She put on her pantis and let the towle fall to the ground and she took my hand and moved it closer to her boob and she softly pressed my fingers towards her boob and I could feel the lumps all over her boob and she said " Do you feel it? " I just nodded I didn't know what to say.. she said " Next week they will do tests again and if the chemo have helped after this two tretments they will countinued otherwise we will see what happends. I'm so scared.." I just wrapped my arms around her and hugged her, I stroke her bare back and said " Do you want me there? " I could hear she started to cry and she said " Yes.. please. " I kissed her head and said " Then I will be there.. I'm going to the hospital tomorrow afternoon for some tests too.. " She said " Tomorrow it's monday then I will be fine again. Do you want me there? " I said " I would love too, thanks. " She kissed my cheek and I said " But I'm not getting the result intill Tuseday.. so I hav eto be nervious. But since Jensen is still in the hospital he will proably calm me down like always. " She looked at me and said " You two are so cute. " I just smiled and tried her tears away with my finger, then she got dressed and we walked out of there and I said " By the way your mum was here. " She smiled and said " Oh really I just call her later. " I nodded then we walked into the livingroom where Dennie, Oliver and Alvin was and Sofie said " Guys time for bed. " They sign but did as she said and went in to there rooms and got change in to pjs and she helped the brush there teeth and I sat down with Dennie and she was also sleeping. I kissed her head then Alvin and Oliver came running and I siad " You ahven't give your mum your suprises get that you made? " They smiled and ran into the kitchen and sofie looked at me confused and when they came back they gave her the mugs and she got really happy I could see a few tears rollingd own her face and she gave then a huge hug and said she loved them. Then they ran over to me and throw there arms around me and Oliver said " Love you!" then Alvin also said " Love you!" I smiled and kissed each cheek and said " Love you too guys, sleep tight. " Then they let go of my neck and Oliver said " Are you leaving now? " I said " No not just get. " he said " Can't Dennie sleep in my bed? " I smiled and said " Do you want that? " He nodded and I said " Come on then. " he lied down and I put Dennie on his inside next to the wall and we said good night, and Alvin wanted Ebba in his bed

When all of them was sleeping we sat down in teh sofa in the livingroom and Sofie smiled and said " Dennie is getting so big. " I said " I know it's crazy! soon she can talk. " Sofie smiled and said " What do youthinkshe will say first mum or dad? " I smiled and said " I hope she say dad first because it would mean the world to Jensen. " She said " It wouldn't mean the world to you if she said mum? " I smiled and said " Of course it would but jensen would be so happy and that is the most importent. As long as he is happy I'm happy. " She smiled and said " You two are like made for each other. " I smiled and said " I hope so " we sat there talking for a long while about everything and nothing, then Sofie yawn and I smiled and said " You go back to sleep and I go home. " she gave me a big hug and said " Thanks for everything you are amazing I really mean that. I love you so much. " I smiled and said " Love you too. " Then I decied to call Madde to see if she could pick me up and I convice her after a while because I wanted to talk to her.

I looked at Sofie and said " If there is anything you need just call me day or night. " She smiled and nodded, then she said " So how are things with you and Madde? " I sign and said " I don't know.. she thinks I'm not there anymore and that I don't care that things are like they are.. I feel like she isn't trying more then I'm to fix this, but she just blame it on me.. things are just messed up but whatever happends I will always love her. " She nodded and said " I really hope everything will be okay.. " I said " me too.. so what about Jim what are you going to do? " she shugged and said " I don't know, ask him about it? I just don't know what to say.. " I said " I think you should do that, just ask him. I know you dosn't have the best relationship but would you be able to forgive him? " She sign and said " I don't know yet.. did you know right the way that you would forgive Jensen? " I said " Both yes and no.. I love him so much and I couldn't be without him so I just had to forgive him, but at the sametime I was so hurt and disappointed. Back then I was so angry at myself for not being stronger to just let him go because I never wanted to see him again. But when he got in that accident and got hurt I just couldn't let it go, and i just couldn't someone else help him at the hotel, and somewhere inside of me I knew I would say those words I forgive you to him at some point. I don't regret it right now it was the best thing I have done I wouldn't be this happy otherwise. But Jensen didn't have an affair he and Madde just did a huge mistake.. it's diffrent. " She said " But still he almost had sex with your best freind.. that is like the worse thing for both of them to do.. " I said " I know.. but the only feeling that is stronger is love is hate and I could never hate them so I just had to love them. " She said " I understand that. " Then it knocked on the door and both me and Sofie walked over to the door and she opend, there stood Madde. Sofie smiled and reach out her hand towards Madde to say hello, Madde just looked at her with cold eyes and I just stare angry at her, so after a few seconds she slowly took her hand but she still had that coold angry eyes. Sofie just said happy " So nice to finally meet you! " Madde let go of her hand and looked at me and said " Tove let's go. " I just stared back at her and Sofie said to Madde " Your best friend here really is the best. " I just looked at Sofie and smiled, then I said " I'm just going to go and get Dennie and Ebba be right back. " I took Dennie from Olivers bed and he was so cute when he was sleeping and so was Alvin and I told Ebba to come with me ane meanwhile I heard Sofie talking happy to Madde about everything but Madde didn't say a word which made me really pissed off! I put Dennie in the stroller and walked out into the hallway and put on my shoes and jacket, I gave Madde a angry glare and she just stared back at me, then I gave Sofie a hug and said happy " See you tomorrow sweeity." She said " Yeah and thank you so much for everything today you saved my day, you are the best. " I smiled and said " No problem I know you would have done the same for me. " She kissed my cheek and said " Love you! " I said " love you too, bye. " Sofie kissed Dennies forhead and said goodbye to her and then to Ebba, then she looked at Madde and said " Really nice to meet you, hope we will see each other again. " Madde just nodded and said " bye. " we close the door and we didn't say a word to each other on the way down to the car. I put Ebba and Dennie in the backset and sat down in the passager seat. I looked at Madde and said " What the hell was that?!" She said " What? " I was so furious and I said " What?! You! you was so inpleasent!! you barely said hello!! She haven't done anything for you to not like her!! She was so nice to you and you just stood there with hatred in your eyes she don't deserve that!! An you thought she was going to be unplasent because I have told her so much about you, but guess what she is my friend and she know I forgave you then she know she have no reason to not be nice!!" Madde said angry " You don't have to tell her about every fucking thing!! " I said " She is my freind and we talk!! It's not like you haven't shared everything about me with Nicky! " She said angry " That is not the same!!" I said " How the hell can that be diffrent?!" She started to car and started to drive home and she said " It is!! And she wasn't that nice! You are like her little bitch that helpes her with everything!" I said " She is sick, she neededs me!" she yelled " Maybe I need you!!" I said " It's not like you are showing me that you need me!! You have Nicky and that's good, he is a great man. Becuase soon you want have me anymore if you countinue acting like bitch! " She yelled " Nicky is there for me it's not like you are and he always knows what to say to make me feel better!" I said " And i don't?! But fine Nicky knows you like no one else dose I have all reday head that a thousand times and you can talk to him about everything! But good that you have a person you can do that with, because I do too and right now it's not you! And no one treats my freind that way not even you, esepcially not you!! " We was almost home and Madde drove into the driveway and stopped and she said furious " She will probaly just die from that fucking cancer and you won't have anyone to talk to anymore!! " I couldn't belive my ears that she said that and I just opend the door and steped out and took out teh stroller and put Dennie in it and let out Ebba. Then I looked at Madde and said angry and hurt " We are over! Forever! I will always be your sister but I'm abouslty not your friend anymore so don't count on me ever again because I will never forgive you for what you just said and did!! And I can say hello to you since we are family and we can talk but remebere we are not freinds and I will never opend up to you again!! And I don't want you in the hospital with me tomorrow because I allreday have the people that care about me Jensen and Sofie! You can just go to hell I don't care anymore what you do! Goodbye Madde!!" I just closed the car door and started to walk towards the house and then I heard how she drove off again.

I walked straight up to my empty room and feed Dennie and lied her down to sleep. I wa still so pissed out and I tried to call Jensen but his phone was off which mean they wheren't done yet.
I picked up a book and lied down on the bed and started to read, Ebba jumped up and lied down with my feet. I calmed down after a while but I still meant ever word I just said to her. Then it knocked on the door and I said come in and Tim steped in and closed the door behind him. I put the book away and said " What's up? " he said " I just want to hear how you are doing? and now you look sad? " I sign and said " Me and Madde... I don't want to talk about it right now. " he nodded and walked towards me and said " Can I sit down? " I smiled and said " Sure. " he lied down next to me and said " How are you doing with Jensen and all that it must be hard? " I looked at him and said " You don't even like Jensen.." He sign and said " Of course I do it's just that he hurt you so bad amd no one should hurt my sister...but I can see how happy he makes you so it's hard not to like him. The most importent is that you are happy and if he is the one then I'm fine with it. " I just smiled and said " Thanks.. You know I want you to be happy too and you are my little brother so I can see your not..you should break up with Molly you deserve so much better and get over Madde.." He said " I love Molly. " I said " look me into the eyes and tell me that. " He looked me straight into my eyes and said" I love Molly. " I nodded and said Fine.. but you should really let Madde go.." He said " What are you takling about? Madde? " I said " Tim look I know you don't say you are in love with her or whatever but just listen.. Madde is just playing with you she dosn't love you in that way or have those feelings for you, all she wants from you is sex, with other words you are her sex toy and nothing more. It will never be you two I'm sorry." he looked sad and said " She is just useing me? " I nodden and gave him a hug and he huged me back. When we let go he said " Why do you care so much? " I took his hand and said " You are my baby brother I would do anything just so you would be happy, that is the only thing I wanted from the day you got born. I acutlly remebere the day you got born or mum have helped me alittle too. A few days before you got born mum and dad..eddie.. " Tim said " Call him dad because then he was our dad not this horrible man.. " I nodded and countiued" Well a few days before you got born mum and dad asked me again as they had done many weeks before that I would stop useing my pacifier since I was 4 years old but I had always said no and start crying which I did that time too. Then mum took my hand and put it on her belly and you started to kick and she told me that I soon was going to be a big sister, I smiled and said to her when my baby brother got born I would give him my pacifier because then he needed it more and my favorite teddy dog. The days went by and one morning when I woke up mum wasn't in the kitchen it was just Johanna and she told me that mum.. and now I'm quoting " Your mum is in the hospital forceing a fucking baby out of her vagina, idoit!" I had no idea what she just had said." Tim laughed and I smiled and said " I don't remeber she said that but Johanna told me for a few years ago and that my face had been so funny. But anyway when mum and dad finally came home she had you in her arms and you where so cute, mum asked if I wanted to hold you and I shook my head and said wait and ran upstairs. I came down after a few minuts with my pacifier in one hand and my teddy dog in my other and walked over to mum who was sitting in the sofa holding you. I asked mum what your name was and then I stroke your soft cheek and showed you the dog and my yellow pacifier and said " Tim this is to you from me your big sister. Mum smiled and asked if I wanted to hold you and I nodded and sat down in the sofa and lied you in my arms and I was so proud to have you and from that moment I knew I would always love you and that I always wanted you to be happy and I would protect you from everything bad in life forever, and I still mean that every word of it. " He just wrapped his arms around me and gave me a big hug and said " I love you so much!" I kissed his cheek and said " Love you too sweeity. " then he looked at me and said " And I'm like the most horrible brother ever, all I do is be mean to you. " I said " No your not, you are just a little brother it's nothing wrong with that.. or it can be really annoing but I love you anyway. " he gave me another hug and when he let a tear rolled down his cheek I just smiled and he just looked at me and said " Shut up!" I laughed and said " Maybe you are just having one of those days.. or maybe you are pregnante... OMG!!" He just stared at me and i just pulled him into another huga and said " I love you little brother. " I let go of him and he dried his tears away and then he said " You never anwer how you where doing after all this with Jensen? " I sign and said " I'm fine.. " He said " It must be hard to find your husban...sorry boyfreind half death to see how pale he was, and then that the doctors can't find out what it is that most been horrible.. " I looked down at the cover and said " I'm fine.. " he force my head up and I looked at him and he said " Then why are you crying? " I hadn't even feelt that my cheeks was wet, I touch my left cheek with my finger tips and it was full with salty tears.. and I said " I don't know... I'm.. I'm just scared that it will happend again and that time he won't make it..then what will happend to Dennie.. " Tim said " What do you mean? She have you. " I said " Tim I might have cancer again.. I can't be lucky and survive this thing three times.. and if Jensen wouldn't be here...I wouldn't be stronge enought to fight. I need him and I can't live without him. " He took my hand and said " He will be just fine and soon be home with you again, and hopefully he will countinue being that. Tove don't say that maybe your not sick...you can't be.. " I said " Do you want to know something I haven't told anyone before? " He nodded and I said " Then you need to promise not to argue against me tonight and not some other day either because it won't help.. promise? " He said " I promise." I took a deep breath and said " If I'm sick again and need chemo.. I'm not going to do it, I can't go throw it again. If I do I know i will die from the treatmeant because my body can't handle it.. I just can't I'm sorry.. so if I have something I hope they can take it out in surgury.. " he looked at me with worried eyes then he said " You can't live me here to be the oldest I can't handle that! What about Dennie? and Jensen and Madde? And mum?! You can't!" I stroke his cheek and said " Yes you can handle that you have too for me.. and Dennie will be fine she has her amazing dad... and he has to live for Dennie.. mum has all of you guys, so everything will be fine with time. " He said " You never mention Madde. " I said " Well I don't care about her anymore. " he said " You don't mean that. " I said " What do I have to do to prove that? " he just said " You don't mean it. " I walked up from the bed and opend my jewelry box and took out the best freind heart me and Madde had shared a few month ago and Tim just said " Don't do anything you will regret, because you don't mean it. " I walked into the bathroom and throw it down into the toilet and flushed it, then it was gone. I walked back to Tim and sat down on the bed and he said " You will regret that. " I just said " The only thing I will regret is that I just flushed away white gold. " He just garbbed my arm and gave me a hug without saying anything which was just what I wanted and when he let go he stroke my cheek and said " Can I sleep here? " I smiled and said " Sure, just like the old days. " He smiled and said " I'm just going to go and brush my teeth. " I nodded and did the same and got undressed, then I said good night to Dennie and Ebba and crawled down on Jensns side on the bed and the best thing is that it smells Jensen again since he sleepd her last night. Then Tim came back and he was just wearing his boxers and he crawled down on the otherside and saod " Isn't that Jensens side? " I nodded and said " It's smells like him. " he smiled and said " You really love him, don't you? " I smiled and nodded then I said " Someday you will find that too. But now I'm going to blogg and then try to call Jensen again to say goodnight. " He nodded and tured on the tv. So here I'm.. this day has been both really amazing and fun but at the sametime really bad..

That's all I have to say right now!
Madde will blogg tomorrow.
See ya!
Kisses from Tove