Let us help

Heya!

Well today... today have been both ups and downs but first of all I'll tell you about yesterday when I talked to Nicky and the kids about Zara and her drinking problem.

So after dinner I went back home and went into the kitchen where Nicky, Zara and the kids were eating. Zara got up and gave me a hug and a kiss and said "You okay?", I nodded and said "yeah. Jensen is awake and Tove is happy again so I'm pretty much fine.". She nodded and we sat down at the table and I carefully looked at Nicky who was looking at me with very suspicious eyes and then he said "Are you sure you're okay?". I looked at him and clenched my teeth and nodded and I knew he was going to notice that I wasn't and I was so right so he nodded and I knew that he understood that I needed to talk to him after dinner. Then he said "Zara... can't you take care of the dishes tonight?". She sighed and said "why?!" and Nicky said "Because I cooked... please.". She sighed and said "Fine..." and then they continued to eat and after that I went upstairs but I didn't go into mine and Zaras room but Nickys instead and I took a deep breath and laid down on his bed and tried to calm down. After a while the door opened and Nicky walked in and slowly closed the door behind him and I stayed in the bed so he walked over and lay down next to me and put his arm under my head. I put my head on his shoulder and he slowly stroke my arm and whispered "what's wrong honey?". I said "I need to talk to you...", I felt his breath against my forehead when he said "I'm here..". I nodded and said "I know... but not yet. I have to calm down first.". He said "Okay..", then we just laid there without talking or anything. I just tried to breathe and think of some way to tell Nicky about Zara and her problem and he was just lying there with his cheek against my forehead and his fingers running up and down my arm. After about 15 minutes I carefully sat up and he followed my lead and I said "when you and Zara were... ehm...together... how much did she drink then?". He took my hand and said "You've noticed too huh?", I nodded and felt tears starting to build up in my eyes and I said "She has a problem... She is drinking way too much and when Tove asked her about it she got really angry and I asked her about it and then she got angry with me too... I'm... I'm so scared Nicky!". Then I bursted out crying and threw my arms around his neck and buried my face in his neck. He held me close and gently rocked me and whispered "I know sweetie...". I don't know how long I cried but after a while I sat up and Nicky took my hands and I said "I can't lose her Nicky... I love her.". He nodded and said "I know... Do you want me to try and talk to her? Don't you think she will bite my head off too?". I said "yeah she will... but I have talked to Tove about this and we came up with a pretty good plan I must say.". He moved a little closer and said "what is the plan? And do you need my help?". I nodded and said "Yes... I need your help Nicky. We were thinking that maybe we should talk to Emma, Kim and David about this and then we can all... as a family, talk to Zara.". He nodded and said "That is a pretty good idea. Do you think it will work?". I shrugged and said "Right now I'll try anything. But hopefully it will because then she gets to hear how scared her kids are.". He nodded and then he gently stroke my cheek and said "I think it's a good idea and I'm here all the time, you know that.". I nodded and said "Yeah I know Nicky. So when are we going to talk to the kids?". I said "As soon as possible... Tonight? I want this shit over with as fast as possible.". He nodded and got up from the bed and reached out his hand to me and I took it and he pulled me off the bed and said "Then let's go and do it.". I smiled and nodded and then he pulled me in for one of his warm and comfortable hugs and then he kissed my forehead and said "Everything is going to be fine honey. I love you Madde, and I’m not going away from your side.". I smiled slightly and said "Thank you for always making me feel better. I love you too Nicky.". He nodded and then we walked downstairs and there we noticed that Zara was in the living room watching TV so I said to Nicky "Go and get David and Kim and meet me in Emma’s room..". He nodded and kissed my forehead again and left me and I went upstairs and knocked on Emma’s room. She asked who it was and I said "it's Madde... can I please talk to you Emma?". She told me to come in so I did and found her lying on her bed with the computer. She put the computer away and I sat down on the foot end of the bed and she said "What's going on?", I said "we have to wait for Nicky and your brother and sister.". She wrinkled her eyebrows and said "Okay now I really want to know what's going on Madde.". I said "Don't worry...", she was just about to say something when Nicky, David and Kim walked through the door and Kim sat down on the bed with me and Emma while Nicky and David took the armchairs that Emma has in her room. Then Kim said "Okay dad... what's going on?", but Nicky didn't say anything instead he looked at me and I took a deep breath and said "I bet you guys have noticed something that your mother is doing a lot... And I bet you are all pretty concerned...". Then Emma said "What is she doing?" and I said "Drinking... alcohol.". And then Emma nodded and said "Yeah... I've noticed... But how much exactly?". I said "I don't really know but a lot... At least a drink a day and that is way too much.". She nodded and then David said "But what can we do about that?", I got out of the bed and crouched down in front of him and took his hands but I could tell that he was uncomfortable but I didn't care instead I said "You can talk to her... tell her how it makes you feel. That you are scared and that you love her and can't lose her.". He nodded and said "But... I’m scared...", I nodded and said "so am I David.. I’m so scared, and that's okay. What we need to do is to tell Zara that we are scared and to show her how much we all love her.". He nodded and then Kim said "What if she gets angry and yells at us...". I stood up and said "if that happens then we truly have to show her how much we care for her because if she gets angry at you then she has truly gone down the line a long bit.". She nodded and then David said "Was it this you and mum were talking about 2 days ago?". I nodded and then Emma said "That's was why she was yelling...". I nodded and said "Yeah... she got really mad with me and... and that's why I need your help guys. I know you are not my biggest fans but I know how much you love your mother and how much she loves you... and I truly love her and need her just like you do so can we work together on this and try to get Zara healthy?". They nodded and Kim said "Sooo... when are we going to talk to her?". I looked at Nicky and he stood up and said "We were thinking... right now.. But before we go downstairs know this: Mum loves you guys more than anything and whatever she says today, she doesn't mean it if she is angry... It's the booze talking.". They nodded and then I said "Are you guys ready?", they shook their heads and I said "Great, neither am I. Let's go.". I walked over to the door and opened it and they followed my lead and then we walked downstairs and into the living room where Zara was sitting. She looked at us confused when we all walked in like that and said "okay... what's going on?". Then I said "Guys sit down. Zara you stay.", now she looked even more confused and then I saw the glass that were standing in the windowsill that were next to the armchair she was sitting in. I walked over to her and pretended that I was going to give her a kiss but then I took the glass and smelt it and it was definitely alcohol. She said "Madde!", I shook my head and said "No Zara... this is what we... all of us, want to talk to you about.". She sighed and said "Madde... we've already talked about this and there is nothing to talk about!". Then Nicky stood up and stood next to me and said "yes Zara there is. You drink way too much and it's not just Madde who's noticed it. It's me and the kids as well and we are all very concerned.". She said "Well there is nothing to be concerned about Nicky.". Then Emma said "Please mum... All of us as noticed that you drink a lot and you can't deny that. And we are really scared mum...". She looked at Emma and then David said "Yes mum... You are scaring us...". Then she said "there is nothing to be scared of guys. I’m fine.". I said "No, you're drunk.", then she stared at me and said "I'm not drunk Madde! I don't get drunk for one drink!". I said "no maybe not but still, it's one drink to many.". Then David started to cry and said "mum you have to stop! You’re scaring me!! I love you!". Then he ran off and I squeezed Nickys hand and said "Follow him.". He nodded and followed David and then Kim said with a weak voice "mum... David is right. We are all really scared... please stop drinking... for us. We love you and we need you.". Then I said "Both you and me know how it is to grow up with parents that drink all the time and I know that you don't want Emma, Kim and David to grow up with that.". Then Emma who also was close to tears said "Exactly mum... and I need you! So bad!". Then Zara said "But I am here honey and I always will be." and Emma said "but I need you here sober! Especially now!". Then Zara, Kim and I looked at Emma and I heard Nicky come back but I doubt that Emma noticed that because then she said "Because... I'm pregnant!". Everyone just stared at her and then Nicky raised his voice and said "WHAT!?". I quickly ran over to him and put my hands on his chest and said "Nicky! Go! Now!! go to the kitchen!". I could see the anger in his eyes and I took a hold of his chin and forced him to look at me and I said "Now Nicky Byrne! Kitchen!". He tried to get away but then I just said "please Nicky... not now.". And I felt how he relaxed a bit and then he said "Fine...!" and walked into the kitchen and then I said "well... ehm... I'm going to let you guys talk about this... mother to daughter... and I'm going to pour this drink in the sink because I doubt that you need it anymore.. Take it easy on her. And Kim... maybe we should leave them to it.". She nodded but when she walked pass Zara she hugged her and said "I love you mum and I need you too..". Zara nodded and then I looked at Emma who was sitting in the sofa crying and then I followed Kim out to the hallway. She was waiting for me there and said "thank you Madde for making us realize this... and maybe now mum can stop.". I nodded and said "No, thank you Kim for giving me a chance today... It meant a lot and you know, I really do love your mother. I know it's really weird, it is for us to but it's how we feel.". She nodded and then she went upstairs and I took a deep breath and went into the kitchen where Nicky was sitting at the table, ripping little pieces of a napkin. I walked over to him and sat down on the chair next to him and took his hand and said "Calm down.". He stared at me and said "Calm down?! She is pregnant! She is 15 years old and pregnant!!". I looked down on the table and said "Fine be angry with me then... what have I done?". He sighed and said "I'm sorry Madde... It's just... what was she thinking with when she had sex without protection!?". I said "I'm sorry Nicky but I don't have an answer to that... Let Zara take care of this now and then you can talk to her, calmly.. Don't you think she is pretty freaked out even without you standing there screaming at her?". He sighed and said "She should learn.", I looked at him and said "Nicky, I think she has. I doubt that she wanted to get pregnant...". He sighed again and I said "What do you say about taking a walk?". He nodded and then we went outside for a walk and I asked "So how's David?". He said "He's really scared, I don't blame him. He has stopped crying anyway and I told him that if he needs to talk then both you and I are there.". I nodded and then he said "So how are you doing?". I said "I'm scared too... both about Zara and Tove.", then he stopped and looked at me and said "Tove? Why?". I said "Because she might have cancer and...", he looked at me with his understanding eyes and then he took my hand and said "You can tell me honey.". I said "And.. I just miss her that's all... But she's hanging out with Sofie so much that it feels like she isn't sparing any time for me...". He said "Honey... she's lived through the cancer twice before and she can do it again and so can you, you both are so strong. And this about Sofie... Have you talked to Tove about this? And you know, I'm always here if you need to talk or something.". I smiled slightly and said "I don't know how to live through her cancer again... I've never been so scared in my life before, you know that, you saw me. And no.. I haven't talked to Tove about it because it feels so stupid.. Sofie is her friend and I know that she feels exactly like this when I was hanging out with you every single day last year. I know you are always here for me, whatever I need but you aren't Tove.". He nodded and said "I know how scared you were last year but like I said, I'm not leaving you this time either... We made a deal remember, not to leave each other and I'm sticking by that deal. Well... maybe you should try and talk to her anyway.. I know I'm not but I'm me, Nicky, and if you need me I’m here.". I nodded and said "I know, thank you Nico. You're right, I should talk to her but I'll do that after Johans birthday tomorrow.. I don't want to fight. I know you are Nicky and without you I wouldn't be here right now so thank you for everything you've ever done for me. I love you.". He smiled and wrapped his arms around me and I put my arms around his waist and hugged him back and he said "I love you to honey and you don't need to thank me.". Then we let go and I said "Are you calm enough to be able to go home and face Emma without yelling at her?". He nodded so we went home and found Zara in the living room alone. We sat down on the sofa next to the armchair and I said "Zara, baby... are you okay?". She looked at me and clenched her teeth and said "Yeah, I'm fine.. I'm going to bed. Are you coming or are you sleeping elsewhere?". I got really sad that she talked to me like that... like she was still really angry with me. I nodded and said "Nah I'm coming with you honey.". I felt Nicky take my hand and squeeze it and then he let go and I said goodnight to him and followed Zara upstairs and she just got undressed, brushed her teeth and went to bed and I followed her lead. When we were lying in bed I looked at her and stroke her cheek and said "I love you honey." but then she just turned around and I stared straight into her back. I got a huge lump in my stomach so I slowly turned around too and pulled my legs up and hugged them and tried to fall asleep but I just couldn't. After a while I heard how her breaths slowed down and became calmer and deeper so I knew she was sleeping. I just continued to try and sleep and then I looked at the clock and noticed that it was about 3 at night and I just couldn't sleep because I was so sad and I had all those thoughts running through my head. I slowly crawled out of bed and put on a top and a pair of soft shorts and carefully opened the door so I didn't wake Zara up and then closed it just as carefully and then I sneaked towards Nickys bedroom and carefully knocked on the door. I didn't get a response but I didn't think I would either so I carefully opened the door and walked into his dark room and closed the door. My nostrils got filled with Nickys scent which calmed me down slightly and then I carefully walked over to his bed and saw him sleeping. I smiled slightly and then I put a hand on his chest and whispered "Nicky? Nico, wake up.". He mumbled and slowly opened his eyes and when he saw that it was me he said "What's wrong honey?". I sat down on the bed and took my hands in my lap and said "I can't sleep... I'm scared Nicky.". He sat up and wrapped his arms around me and I just closed my eyes and let him hold me for a while and then he said "I know honey but we have to be there for Zara now and she loves you... I know she does, I can see it in her eyes.". I said "I know... I love her too, so much.". He nodded and then he lay down and pulled me with him and we pulled the cover over us and he still had his arms around me and he said "Try to sleep and then we'll handle Zara tomorrow when we both have gotten a good night’s sleep. Okay?". I nodded towards his shoulder and closed my eyes and relaxed, he kissed my forehead and said "I love you Madde.". I started to feel how tired I was so I yawned and said "I love you too Nicky.", and then we just closed our eyes and fell asleep.

So this morning when I woke up I was still resting my head on Nickys shoulder just as I had fallen asleep. I yawned and stretched out my body slightly and then I heard Nickys tired voice say "Good morning honey.". I smiled and looked at him and said "Good morning.". It felt so strange to wake up next to a man again and especially Nicky who I haven't slept next to in ages! But it was in a way nice as well although I missed Zara. I slowly sat up and looked down on Nicky who was looking up at me smiling and I said "Thank you… for letting me sleep here and keeping me calm.". He stroke his fingertips over my bare thigh and said "No problem honey, you don't have to thank me for something I'd gladly do.". I smiled and said "We should go downstairs.", he nodded and said "Yeah, you go ahead.. I need to take a shower. And babe, try to talk to Zara.". I nodded and leaned down and kissed his cheek and said "Thank you... for everything.". He just nodded and then I got out of bed and walked out of the room. While I was walking down the hallway towards the staircase I thought what the best way of approaching Zara would be and then I just put on a cheeky smile, walked with more confidence and then I saw a mirror so I stopped and looked at myself and then I pulled down my top a little, pushed my boobs up slightly and then ran my fingers through my hair and messed it up a little and then I walked downstairs. I walked into the kitchen where Kim and Zara was and Kim said "Good morning." when I walked in but Zara didn't even look at me. I walked straight over to her and pulled her up from the chair and just as she said "What the f..!" I gave her a sexy, deep, passionate kiss that I knew she would never be able to resist and of course I was so right, when she had felt my lips massaging hers for a little while she immediately started to kiss me back and her hands found their way inside my top and stroke my naked back. I ran my fingers through her hair and had the other hand on her hip and it was so amazing to finally kiss her like that again. When we broke from the kiss we were both breath taken and then I looked into her eyes and said “Zara, I love you with all my heart. I’m not sorry about yesterday because I just told you how I felt and so did the kids and Nicky. But I want you to know that I’m always here no matter what, because you are the person that owns my heart.”. She looked at me sad and said “I’m sorry about my behavior yesterday… I love you too honey, so much and I need you. And I will stop drinking that much, I will start listening to you, all of you, when you tell me that I’ve had enough.”. I smiled when I heard that and then she hugged me and I hugged her back and then we heard Nicky say “That is a sight for sore eyes. I’m so glad that you’ve made up.”. I let go of Zara and she walked over to Nicky, gave him a hug and apologized and then she did the same with Kim and I walked over to Nicky and gave him a hug too and whispered “Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.”. He nodded and kissed my cheek and then we all sat down at the table and ate breakfast. Then I remembered what Emma had said that other night and I said “Is Emma really pregnant?”. Zara sighed and nodded and Nicky said “How the fuck could she be so fucking stupid!?”. I, who was sitting next to him, put my hand on his arm and said “Nicky… calm down. You aren’t helping when that temper of yours surfaces.”. He took a deep breath and said “Fine… I’m calm.”, I sighed and said under my breath “Yeah, right.”. Then I turned to Zara and said “Have you talked to her? Is she going to keep it?”. She shrugged and said ”I don’t know and neither does she. She’s scared and the only thing we can do is to be there for her. And I suppose that she will pretend that everything is the way it’s always been so don’t be mad with her.. Nicky.”. He huffed and I said”She can’t seriously think of keeping it can she?”. Then Nicky said “Who’s the father!?”, Zara sighed and said ”I don’t know Madde but it’s her choice. And according to Emma it’s Victor who’s the father but he doesn’t know about it.“. I nodded and Nicky said “That fucking idiot! I’m going to cut his dick off!”. I hit his arm and said ”Shut up Nicky! Like I said, you aren’t helping at all!”. He stared at me and I stared back and said "Do you have anything you want to say to me?!". He clenched his teeth but then he looked away and I knew I won so I turned to Zara and said "But she has to tell Victor, right?". Zara nodded and said "Yeah.. but you guys don't have to worry about this, I've talked to her and everything is going to be just fine. And Nicky, promise me you won't yell at her.". He sighed and said "I promise...", she nodded and then I said "Okay, to talk about something else... I talked to Johan yesterday and he said that we don't have to get there until 4 but I would like to go there earlier and hang out a little.". They nodded and Nicky said "Yeah well maybe we can go there earlier... I would like to get something else on my mind then Emmas pregnancy.". I nodded and said "Well, then maybe we should wake the other two kids up and then get dressed and go.". They nodded and Kim said "I don't even know what to wear...", then Zara said "I can help you if you want...". Kim smiled and nodded and I just looked at Nicky and smiled and he smiled back. When Zara offered to help Kim like that it felt like she really did listen yesterday. So Zara followed Kim to her room and Nicky and I went to wake up David and Emma. I took Emma because we really didn't need Nicky to yell at her so I walked up to her room and knocked on the door. She didn't say anything so I opened the door and noticed that she was still sleeping so I sat down on her bed and shook her gently and then she woke up. She looked at me and said "What is it!", I said "You have to get up now and take a shower and then eat something and get dressed because we are going to Alexanderson’s and Johans birthday.". She sighed and said "Fine.. I'll get up.", I smiled and nodded and said "How are you feeling Emma?". She sighed and said "I'm fine..", I shook my head and said "If I were in your shoes I would be scared as hell and worried and not know what to do or who to count on.". She looked away and I said "That is how you feel isn't it?", she nodded and said "I don't know what to do Madde... I don't know if I can take care of a baby like mum did... What would you do if you were me?". I said "That is really not a question you should ask me because I don't even like babies so I would do an abortion at once.". She said "Right... I don't know if I can do that. It's a living baby.". I said "Well that totally depends how long you've been pregnant because the heart doesn't start beating before 21to 25 days or something like that... Until then it's just a lump of flesh...". She wrinkled her nose and said "Thanks for the comfort with the whole lump thing... But I still don't know what to do.". I laughed and said "Sorry that I'm not so sensitive but like I said, I don't even like kids so but think of that, it's not a living baby before day 21 so you don't have to feel like you are killing anything because it's not even alive.". She said "Yeah but if I wouldn't to an abortion then it would be alive after day 21...". I sighed and said "yeah but you can't think like that silly. You have to think about yourself. Don't you want to finish school, hang out with friends, go out and party, have a boyfriend that loves you without him having to become a father all of the sudden?". She sighed and said "of course I do...", I said "Maybe you already have a guy you like? How do you think he would feel when you told him that you are pregnant? Because you aren't together with victor still are you?". She shook her head and said "No we've broken up. But yeah there is a guy I really like... It's Mattias... I've been talking to him a lot and it feels like we've become really good friends but I want to know if it could be more than that. I was really close at telling him that I'm pregnant but I didn't because I didn't want to scare him away.". I smiled and said "I knew it! He's really cute!! I bet he really likes you!". She smiled and said "I know, he is amazing!", I smiled and gave her a hug and said "I'm happy for you but you have to make a choice about the baby. But now you have to go and get dressed.". She nodded and said "thanks Madde.", I nodded and then I left the room and went to the bathroom to take a shower.

When I came out of the shower and went to mine and Zaras room I found her there changing clothes. I walked over to her and gave her a fast kiss and then I started to change clothes too. All of the sudden she stopped and looked at me and said "Were you sleeping with Nicky last night?". I stopped what I was doing and got a bit scared that she was going to start yelling at me but I said "Yes...". She nodded and I said "I needed him... I'm sorry but you were angry with me and I was sad because of it and he understands and...", she held up her hand and said "It's okay. I'm not angry with you.. I’m sorry I was angry yesterday.". I said "Thank you...", she nodded and then she went into the bathroom to fix her makeup and hair and I put on a black dress and my favorite pair of black pumps and then I was done. When Zara came back and saw me she just stopped and stared at me and I said "What?". She just stared and after a short while she said "You look.... ehm... you look....". I smiled and walked over to her and ran my fingers over her arm and she was just standing there looking at me. I said "You look amazing baby.", she huffed and said "But you look.... wow! You're sooo hot!". I laughed and said "thank you, I know.", she smiled and gave me a soft kiss and then i said "So, shall we go downstairs so we get to Johan sometime today?". She said "Yeah you go ahead, I'll be right there.", I nodded and walked pass her and went downstairs. I was really thirsty so I went to the kitchen at once where Nicky was sitting and when I walked through the door and he saw me he just dropped the pen that he had in his hand and stared at me. I smiled and said "Hey handsome, you look great.", he continued to stare at me and said "Ehm... Oh my god.". I opened the cabinet and took down a glass and laughed and said "No it's just me, Madde, not god.". He got off the chair and walked over to me and put his hand on my naked shoulder and turned me around and looked at me from top to toe and then stopped at my eyes. I smiled and he said "Yeah it is you, Gods finest piece. You look beyond amazing.". I smiled and looked down and said "Now you're being silly.", he put his hand under my chin and forced my head up and he said "No, I'm never silly and I never lie about such important stuff.". I smiled and said "Well in that case. Thank you Nico.", he smiled and took my hand and gently pressed his lips against the top of it and then looked me in the eyes and said "No worries my love.". I smiled and then he walked back to whatever it was he was doing and I took a glass of water and sat down opposite him.

After about 40 minutes everyone was done so we took my lambo and Nickys BMW and drove to Alexanderson’s. When we got there we just walked through the door and into the kitchen where we actually found the birthday boy. I smiled and walked over to him and pulled him up from the chair and gave him a big hug and said "Happy birthday Johan!". He smiled and hugged me back and said "Thank you love, you look amazing today.". I smiled and then Zara and the others gave him a hug too and I gave mum a hug. Then Johan said "Didn't I tell you that you didn't have to come yet?". Nicky laughed and said "Yeah you did but Madde was so thrilled so she wanted to go here as soon as possible.". Johan laughed and looked at me and said "So it's that much fun that I get old?". I smiled and said "Of course not, it's just that much fun to hang out with everyone here.". He smiled and then we heard someone come down the stairs and then Tim came into the kitchen and said "Happy Birth....!" then he just stopped and looked at me and I smiled and said "Hey Tim..". He just stood there looking at me and then he finally said "Hi... You... you look... you look stunning!". I smiled and said "thank you. Don't I get a hug and then maybe you should continue what you were about to say before you saw me.". He smiled and walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me and I hugged him back and kissed his cheek and said "You look pretty good yourself.". He smiled and then he turned to Johan and said "Happy birthday man.". Johan smiled and said "Thank you Tim.", Tim just nodded and then Zara said ”Tim! Can you please stop staring at my girlfriend?!”. He looked away from me at once and I just laughed and then I said “I’ll be right back, don’t fight over me now.”. Then I walked pass them and headed upstairs and knocked on Jareds door. He said come in so I slowly opened the door and saw him stand with his naked back turned against me. I smiled when I saw the muscles play under the skin and I said “Good morning handsome!”. He quickly turned around and he got pretty much the same reaction as Nicky, Zara and Tim did when they saw me but Jared walked over to me and said “Wow… Are you an angel?”. I laughed and said “no, more like a devil in disguise.”. He laughed and gave me a hug and then he said “You look incredible.”. I smiled and said “thank you.”, I looked down on his abs and gave him a cheeky smile and said "You look very nice yourself.". He laughed and said "So you think I should go around like this all day?". I nodded and he just laughed and put on a white t-shirt and then a nice black shirt that I bought him when we were together. I smiled and said "okay fine, you can look like that as well.". He smiled and said "thank you. So... how are you doing Madde?". I sat down on the bed and said "I'm fine, how are you?". He sat down next to me and said "Yeah me too.", I looked at him and said "Yeah?". He nodded and I said "So you're not alone or something?". He gave me a crooked smile and said "No not really... Okay it might be a bit lonely at night, falling asleep alone and maybe a bit lonely when Jensen and Tove is all over each other all the time.". I nodded and took his hand and both of us just looked at our combined hands and then I said "I can understand that Jare... You do know that I'm fine with you dating right?". He nodded and looked at me and said "Yeah I know...", then he got quiet and just looked into my eyes and then he said "I just don't know if I want you to be fine with it...". I took my hand away from his and stood up and said "Jare...", he quickly followed me and took my hands and said "Look, look, look... I don't mean that I don't believe in your and Zaras relationship... I just... I just miss you and I still love you... I can't help that. You of anyone should know that.". I said "I know... I know that it's impossible to just fall out of love with someone like that... I just don't want you to wait for something that probably won't come around anymore.". He said "I know... and I'm doing my best. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything.". I said "It's okay Jared... You know... I miss you too.", he said "You do?". I nodded and said "Of course silly! I go from being with you every single day to not seeing you at all some days. So of course I miss you.". He smiled and I said "I love you Jared.", he said "I love you too Madde.". Then I gave him a hug and said "So shall we go downstairs?". He nodded but then he said "oh! When do you want me to go?", I smiled and said "Around 4 or something...". He nodded and then we went downstairs. During the day we didn't do much more the talk and just hang out with the family and wait for Johans family and of course Alex and Lisa to come over. Tove came home from Jensen around 2 and then she just spent all her time upstairs changing clothes and stuff... I don't get how she can be so fucking slow!? Anyway around 4 when everyone had changed clothes and so on it finally knocked on the door and Johan got up and opened and we all heard about 6 people yelling happy birthday to him and then i just couldn't help myself anymore so I got up and followed Krisen when she walked towards the guests. Johan was standing in the doorway hugging everyone and then his parents saw Krisen so they hugged her too. I just walked over to them and held out my hand and his father took it and I said "Nice to meet you, I'm Madde.". He smiled and nodded and looked at Johan and said "So this beauty is Madde?". I smiled and looked at Johan who smiled back and said "Yeah, this amazing woman is Madde.". His father turned to me again and said "How lovely to meet you, I've heard a lot about you. I'm Charlie.". I smiled and then Johans big brother Alexander put his hands on his father’s shoulders and looked at me and said "Wow! You've grown up fine!". I laughed and Charlie said "Oh Alex, she's too young for you and you are married.". Alex laughed and Charlie left and Alex just swooped me into his arms and said "Gosh I remember when you were sooo little!". I hit his chest and said "Hey watch it, old man. From what I remember about you, you used to be hot.". He looked chocked but amused that I said that and Johan just laughed and put his arm around my shoulders and said "honey, right now I love you more than ever. That’s the best thing anyone have ever said to my brother.". I smiled and then a 15 year old boy came up and said "What's up?". I looked at him and said "Well... I'm talking to your father...”. Alex just laughed and said "I apologize for my son...", I shrugged and said "Don't worry. I'm used to it and he is not so different from his father.". Then I heard a beautiful voice behind me say "Now babe, be nice.". I smiled and turned to Zara who just gave me a soft smile and then gave Alex a hug and he said "You guys have gotten so big!". Zara said "Oh shut up! Who's gotten old here if I may ask?". He just sighed and said "Still the same.", then a pretty handsome man comes up and held out his hand to me and Zara and we shook it and I gave him a smile and said "I'm Madde.". He nodded and said "Hw nice to meet you, I'm Stefan, Johans little brother.". I smiled and said "very nice to meet you.", he smiled and then I got an elbow in my side and Zara said "Madde! Stop flirting.". I sighed and looked at her and said "I'm not flirting!", she raised her eyebrows and I just sighed and then Alex said "So Zara where is your famous boyfriend?". I stared at him and said "Famous boyfriend!? Where!? I'm going to kill him!!". Alex looked really confused and then Nicky walked into the hallway together with the rest of the family and Alex just pointed at Nicky and I turned around and looked at him and he just looked totally confused and then I turned back to Alex and said "Oh my god, you actually scared me there for a while.". He looked really really confused and Krisen and Johan just laughed and shook their heads and then Nicky came up and shook everyone’s hands and then he said to me "Madde, why did you give me that look?". I said "Because Alex said that Zara had a famous boyfriend and then he pointed at you.". Then Nicky finally figured out where I was going with the whole act so he said "Oh! Now I understand! How silly!". I nodded and said "Yeah I know! She doesn't have a famous boyfriend.". He shook his head and then Zara said "okay guys, be nice.". I smiled and then Alex said "Okay... What’s going on? you are kidding right?". I shook my head and said "No..." and then I patted Nicky on his chest and said "This famous man is no longer Zaras boyfriend and if she would have a boyfriend I would be very upset with her!". Now I had a very hard time keeping myself from laughing because he looked so funny and there were a lot of people laughing around me while Johans family looked totally confused. Then Alex turned to Krisen and Johan and said "What the fuck is wrong with them?". Krisen sighed and said "I don't know but I sometimes wonder the same thing.". Nicky, Zara and I just stared at her and then I said "okay fine, this is what we are talking about.", then I took Zaras hand and put the other one behind her neck and slowly pulled her closer and gave her a loving kiss. We heard a lot of sounds from Tim, Nicky and Jared and then I let go of her and looked at Alex and he just stared at us with big eyes. I smiled and said "I would be very upset if Zara had a boyfriend because I'm her girlfriend.". Then he looked at Johan who just nodded and said "Yep, it's true.", then Alex turned to us again and said "Why haven't Alex told me about this!?". I laughed and said "Well that is something you should really ask you best friend isn't it? He should be here soon.". He sighed and said "I sure will... Well... I suppose I should say congrats or something.". Both Zara and I smiled and said "Thank you.", then I turned to Jared and said "Jared weren't you suppose to do something now?". He quickly woke up from daydreaming about me and Zara and said "Yep! On my way!" then he left and Tove said "where is he going?". I just shrugged and said "Don’t know." but she looked at me really suspiciously and I just tried to ignore her and focus on the others. Well anyway we made our way back to the livingroom and sat down and talked for a while until we heard the door open and Alex yell "We're here!!". Then Alexander yelled back "Like we give a damn!", we just bursted out laughing and then Alex and Lisa came into the livingroom too and Alexander got up and gave them a hug and Alex said "Go and screw yourself Alex.". He just laughed and then he said "Why the fuck haven't you told me anything that happens in this family?!". Alex just looked confused and said "what?" and Alexander pointed at Zara and me and said "That you'r daughter is together with madde!?". Alex laughed and said "Oh that... i forgot.", Alex sighed and hit him again and then he sat down where he first sat and Lisa and alex took their own seats. Then Krisen said "Well I'm going to go and check how the roast is doing.". So she left and then Lisa said "So... aren't we missing someone?". Tove nodded and said "Well... Jensen is at the hospital, he's sick. And Jared disappeard to somewhere.". Then of course everyone asked about what had happened to Jensen so Tove told them and then suddenly the front door opened and interrupted her and after a while Jared walked in and said "Heya!". I smiled and said "Hey there! How did it go?", he smiled back and held up an ICA bag and said "Very well!". I smiled and said "Good work man.", he nodded and Tove said "What the fuck is going on?". Jared and I just looked at her confused and acted like she was stupid and then suddenly it knocked on the door and i said "Tove go and open...". She stared at me like I was nuts and said "You go...", I shook my head and she sighed and walked towards the front door and I slowly followed her becuase I wanted to see her reaction. When she opened the door she just screamed and threw her arms around Jensens neck and Jensen just laughed. I smiled and walked over to them and removed Tove from him and siad "okay... He is still sick so let him atleast come in and have a seat.". She nodded and I gave Jensen a hug and he said "Thank you.". I nodded and then we walked into the livingroom and Jensen said hey to everyone and then he sat down on the sofa and Tove sat down next to him and kissed him and couldn't keep her hands from him. i sighed and so did Jared and then he said "Tove... shouldn't you say something?". She looked at him like she didn't understand and then she got up and gave him a hug and said "thank you from bringing him here!". I just nodded but felt really let down because she didn't understand that it was my idea. But then Jared looked at me and he must have seen that I was alittle hurt becuase he said "You shouldn't thank me...", then he nodded towards me and said "It was all Maddes idea.". She looked at me and I said "Yeah well... who cares.". Then she gave me a hug and said "Thank you so much!", i just nodded and said "Yeah.. no problem.". Then I said "I'm going to check how things are going for Krisen in the kitchen.". They nodded and I went to the kitchen where mum was making a salad. I sat down at the table and then mum said "What's going on honey?", I said "Nothing... I just... I miss being here.". She smiled and put the knife down and walked over to me and said "We miss to have you here as well. But how's things with you and Zara then?". I said "Things are just fine now, I really love her.". She nodded and said "I can tell but I must say I'm still confused.". I laughed slightly and said "Yeah I know... It's hard to understand.". Then we heard Alexanders voice behind us say "You don't say.". I turned around and looked at him and Johan and said "But you believe us?". He sat down opposit me and Johan continued with making the salad even though mum told him to stop because it's his birthday but he didn't care. I didn't really care about them, insted I turned to Alex and he said "Yeah I do believe you.". I smiled and said "Thank you.", he nodded and then Jared walked in and said "The girls want a glass of wine..". I turned to him and said "Does Zara want one too?". He looked surprised by the sound of my voice but said "Not what I know but I suppose... why?". I shook my head and said "She's not having any.", he wrinkled his forehead and then Alex said "Why not?". I sighed and said "Becuase.... because she drinks to much and we are trying to make her stop.". Alex raised his eyebrows and then he just left, I soppose he was going to go and talk to Zara and I turned to Jared who looked worried and said "I'm sorry.". I shrugged and said "There isn't anything we can do about it but try and help her get through it.". He nodded and said "You know I'm here for you.", I nodded back and said "Yeah I know... But Nicky and I have handled it so it's okay.". He said "Oh, okay well that's great.", I smiled slightly and then he got a bottle of wine and a few glasses and then he said "Do you want some?". I shook my head and then we heard Nicky say "If you want a glass of wine you can take it. I doubt that Zara will mind.". I smiled and said "I know but I think it's best if I stay away from atleast wine today... Otherwise we will never know what will happen.". Nicky laughed and said "That's true.", I nodded and then I said to him "Nico... is Alex talking with Zara?". He nodded and said "Don't worry... it's good that she gets to hear it from more people then just us okay?". I nodded and then I said "Well you know what... I'm going to go and do something before dinner and everything... I'll be back soon. Tell Zara that.". He nodded and I gave him a hug and said to Jared "Is it okay if I borrow your computer for a sec?". He said "yeah of course, it's on my... your... the bed.". I laughed and said "Okay good, you know... the bed is yours now when I'm not here... But only to sleep in.". He laughed and kissed my cheek and said "You bet.", I smiled and left the lads in the kitchen and went upstairs into my old room. It looked so familiar and I must say that I actually miss it a lot. I looked at the shelf where there was a whole bunch of pictures of Tove and me, Jared and me, the family and Niklas and me and of course Tove, Jensen, Jared and me. I smiled when I looked at our smileing faces and remembered back on that time when it was us against the world.. Now its not like that anymore... Now it's more like Zara and me and sometimes Nicky and me against the world... I miss Tove so much, and Jared and Jensen. Anyway I sat down on the bed after a while and started to blog so here I am now and I suppose I should stop being so nostalgic and head downstairs again and eat some dinner! Maybe Toe will tell you alittle about what Johan got for presents and stuff like that.

Take care
Love
Madde