What can I do..

Hey guys!

Me and Madde is still hateing each other. I don't know if we ever is going to be friends again.. Because she dosen't seems to care that she did something wrong all she dose is to find a way to blame me for it.. I will tell you more about me and Madde later.

I can tell you alittle about Henrik instead.

As you may know me and Henrik haven't been such a good friends either, but unfortuntly I had time at the hospital today so I had to meet him. It was kind of awkward . He came in my room and behind him he had an man with him he was maybe 50 years or something. Henrik looked into my eyes for a second then he looked down again. Then the man came and introduced himself to me and said he's name was Hans Jonsson and he was Henriks boss and he was going to look who Henrik was doing he's work since he wasen't a done docter yet. Hans had the worsed timing ever to show up any other day had been so much better when we was friends. Because now it's so much harder to pretend to be just a docter and he's patient because everything is just weird between us. But we diden't have a choose.

Henrik looked really worried, I think he thought that I was going to tell on him to Hans about me and him, but I would never do that. But he diden't seems to get that. Because when Hans asked me if Henrik had been a good docter over this past month, then Henrik looked really worried. I just said " He has been great, acutally the best docter I have ever had " Dr. Jonsson wront something down and said good. Henrik just cave me a careful smile then he asked to take my shirt of so he could listen to me. When he's hands touched me and he looked me in the eyes I could feel my heart pumping faster and faster, I know Henrik could feel hear it too, because while he was listning he he smiled a little and laught, it was just embarrassing, it have been a long time now since last time my heart did that, and just this day when it did then Henriks boss wanted to listen too. Henrik still had he's hand on the stethoscope on my cheats and keeped it there while Hans put the ear plugs in he's ears. When he has listen then he said " Your heart is beating kind of fast and hard, I think we should do a EKG to look it up. Henrik just said " We have all reday done that but it diden't show anything, her heart is always like this. " Hans let it go, and thank god for that Then he tokd us that he was going to look at he's other studens, so he left. We diden't say anything for along while but then Henrik said " Thanks for not telling him about us, that would of destoyed my career for ever " I just said " I thought you would know me by now but apperantly not but if you did then you would of now that I would never do that" Then he just said that he would be back soon.

After a few minuts it knocked on the door and this time it was a person that I diden't expected to see, it was Albin, Henriks brother. It was ago I meet him last time I think was at he's club where me and him had some fun at the bathroom ;) He
said that Henrik had told him I was here, so he just wanted to visit me. I gave him a hug and he immediately started to hit on me, he's just like he's brother ;P He touched my thigh and lead closer to me to kiss me and kissed him back. Then Henrik walked in and saw us, both me and Albin saw him walking out from the room all disappointed. Then albin just looked confused and asked " It is something going on between you and my brother?" I just said " Not any more I think " Albin told me he was going to look for Henrik. Since Henrik is my doctor he can't avoid me even if he wants to because I can't go home before he tell me so he came back after a while. He just said " You can go " then he turn around but before he walked throw the door I asked him " Did it hurt? " He heisted before eh answerd then he said " yes, it hurted like hell. " I just said " Good, then you know how I feel about you and Madde" Then he just left.

When I got home I went in the kitchen to get something to drink and there was Madde she just looked at me angry and then she just ignore me, WHORE! I don't get what's wrong with her!! Nothing can be her fauilt, and uselly I'm the wimp who dosen't like to fight anymore and give up and say that it was my fauilt just so we can be friends again, but uselly it is never my fauilt. But this time I'm not going
to give up!! Because I diden't do anything wrong! So for once she have to take responsibility and if she needs me and wants me as her friend then she have to do something about it! She can't just espect me to say it's fine and evreything will just be like it use to be. She say it's just sex, okay maybe it is, but she still knew what I feelt about it and she choosed between me and sex and you all know what she choosed. And it was jut sex then she diden't think about my brother either, he's first time was jut with a drunk women who diden't care a damn about him!! Even though he's like inlove with her or something! Just because she hot, well that the only thing she is!

I meet my brother Tim today, he has avided me since the wedding.

I yelled at him alot and asked what he was thinking! Which was the most stupiest qustion since I know what he was thinking or more was he was thinking with!

Then I started to tell him that Madde was such a bitch to him, for sleeping with him and takeing he's virgin and then she just dosen't care. He agreed and also starting to talk bad about Madde, but not as much as me but a little. So now my brother is on my side even though I'm still angry with him but he dosne't have to know that!

I'm suprised that Nico hasen't talked to me yet about all this. Since he had told Madde that he would. I'm kind of looking forward to that conversation I just want to hear what he have to say. Since it isen't my fauilt. But who knows what Madde have told him maybe she have made the story a little more spicey and a little more my fauilt. But it would be intersting to hear what he has to say in Maddes defence, since she is to coward to talk to me herself! So then she sends Nico instead. Now she will apprently stay with Nico intill Zara is coming home. I don't think she likes that but she trust Nicky so it shoulden't be a problem.

But I hate that Madde is running away from her problem all the time!! Chicken!

Linus came and satt down next to me in the sofa, he looked sad.

I asked what was wrong, he said that tomorrow it will be 10 weeks since he's father died.

I diden't know what to say I just huged him, he huged me back. I asked if I could help him in someway. He just said " you can only help me in one way and that is in the bed " I just stoped hug him and looked at him and just said with a warding voice " Linus! " He said " well I need you, plz, come on Tove " I just said " I will help you but then I just mean talking and nothing more. And tomorrow I will be there for you too but just in the talking kind of way, we can talkall day and eat alot of sweeits, because I kind of need that too. " He just said " yeah yeah" .

I was looking throw my computer earlier today, and I was looking at pictures and there they where a whole folder with picters at me and Jensen, and just Jensen. It was so hard to see. We looked all happy and inlove with each other..

It was flashback after flashback and it feelt like me heart was going to break.. i miss him so sometimes.. I can't belive it ended up this way, but evreything is my fauilt so..

When I was looking at the pictures I took the phone in my hand and I was so close to deal the phonenumber to him, just to hear he's beautiful voice again. But then I thought it would just be harder for both of us if we talked. So I lay the phone down and just closed the computer.

Which I think was kind of a bad idea when i think about it now, because when I open the computer later then I have to look at the picters again, which I don't want to it just hurt to much..

Henrik called me after dinner and asked if I could come by he's place late tonight so we would talk. I said yes, because I knew that we had to talk even though I diden't wanted too.

But I have to say it's not many guys who calls and want to talk about it, so that is credit for him anyway.

I had a fight tonight about her moving to Nico. I know I have promis not to care anymore, but it isen't so fucking easy! I don't even remebere the whole fight what we wher saying, I was just so angry so it just disappeared. But I know I told her that she was a stupide selffish coward for just escapeing evrything and that Nico was stupied for letting her stay there! Then she good really angry because I called Nico stupied!! Then we just yelled alot of things to each other, I got so angry and sad when she yelled at me that I was jealous of her having nico when I was all alone, and I coulden't have frineds because I was to self obsessed all the time and I never let anyone in. Then I got so angry and disappointed so I just ran up to my room and grabbed my handbag and my tequila bottel and ran out of my room and ran by Madde and out of the house.

I walked in the dark night and drank by myself , right now I'm sitting on a park becah in the middel of the night with my tequila bottel next to me, I'm kin dof drunk. so you ahveto excuse my spelling. Fortuntly I brought my hand bag where my Ipod was, so it's from the ipod I'm blogging right now in te park, I'm glad that it's warm outside.

It's kind of hard to write on the Ipod but it's better then nothing otherwise you had gotten an inlay from me tonight. It starting to get really dark outside now and i'm starting t o get really drunk right. I know I'm not supose to drink but what the fuck! But I'm going to go to Hnerik now and he will not liek that I have been drinking, and I don't know if it will be such a good idea to have that talk when I'm drunk. We just ahve to see what happends.

I was supoose to be at Henriks at eleven a clock and now the time is twelwe, so it's middel in the night, the ghost hour but I haven't seen any ghost yet, but who knows.

Well maybe I should make my way to henrik now so he dosne't worry himself to death and he can't call either since I have my phone at home. And I can't blogg eiter soon because the battrie is death soon on my ipod. Well have a nice evening, so then you will all hear from the coward tomorrow!

Well you will hear from me on saturday again and hofelly I will be happier then but who knows.

Well see ya!

Drunk kisses from Tove