My last day?

Hey...
tomorrow I have been locked in here for a week, a fucking whole week! I just want to get out of here! To go home to my family and to my bed and sleep!!
If I get home then I know everyone will follow me around everywhere, and I will not be allowed to go out side the door ever agian! Well that's who they are, and they are my family so I love them! But I hav eto say that I douth that I will get home if I get out of here, it woulden't suprise me if I have to stay at the hospital again!! Right now it feels hopeless! It feel like I will die here! I know I'm not suppose to say that but that's who I feel.

Well Madde wrote that my mum is going crazy and that she is angry.
So mum since almost evrey other persons who means something for me have gotten a own little part in some of my inlays. I thought that ofcorse my own mum should have one

too, since she was the one who raised me and took care of me evne though you don't think so all the time.

You sometimes say that you where a horrible mother to me because you think you where never home. Okay you where almost never home, but even though I knew that I always could call you even though you where working and you always called and cheaked up on me and when you where home then you always took care of me and looked after me so I was okay.
I think it was good that you where away that much because that helped me become that person I'm right now. I had to learn to be strong and take care of my siblings and leanr who to cook and clean, which you have teached me over all this years, so I woulden't be a spoiled brat. You also told me to belive in myself and stand for what I think, and you also teached me to not listen to all the bad comments people said to me. You teached me to be me, which I'm grateful for! I don't think you know who much you have affected me, I don't think I even know it.
But I know that people say that I'm more and more like you for everyday, then I don't think they mean on teh outside. Uselly I hate when people say that, but now when I have had time to think about everything then I realize that it can be something good too! Because you are an amzing women, you are the strongest women I know and you have been through so much but you still manage to be alive, it's amzing!
I know we have had our diffrentses and we still dose, but I do get it, I know I'm not the easiest person to live with. And as a teenager I was horreble, all I did was making trouble for you! So I'm so sorry! Plz mum find me! I don't want to be here anymore, plz! Before it's to late, I'm to young to die, I belive in you! But you have to sleep to, otherwise you can't think so try to get some sleep for my sake. I just want you to know that I love you soooooo much!! Even tough I alomst never showes it but I dose! So thank you for everything! Love you!

Oh god what long that got, I don't think I have ever told her who I really feel about her so I just wanted her to know before it's to late..
So Madde show her this or tell her about it, plz.

Well today I'm feeling even worse.. it hurts EVERYWHERE on me! and I'm so tierd I can barly stand up, my legs just bends under me and then I just fall down, which is even worse because then I don't ahve the power to get up. My head hurts, my stomach hurts, my back hurts, my cheast hurts I'm having trouble breathing. Everything is just wrong, and I can't take any paint killers because that's bad for the liver! So it just feels like I'm going to faint!
And appernetly Henrik maybe thinks I need a new liver agian..
Who I'm I going to get it from now since everybody in my family diden't match more then Emil.
But I can belive that I need a new liver since it feel like the whole me is strating to shut down. Oh god I don't know if I can do this anymore, my powers are all gone, it dosen't feel like I will make it. I'm sorry, it sounds like I have given up which I almost have I really really can do this.. I'm so sorry. I haven't sleeped for a week, I haven't eaten for almost a week, I haven't taken my mediction for a week, I haven't felt the fresh air in a week. And now it feels like if I close my eyes then I don't think I will wake up again.. I just get more tired and sick for everyday who goes by.

I feelt alittle better this morning and had alittle more energi. But that despered when Tommy came down and wanted to have sex. I diden't even have the strength to say no or do anything I just layed there. And it hurt even mor ethis time. This time I was to tired and had to much pain everywhere to keep the tears in, so I just feelt them raning down my cheeks. Then I think he got even more horny. This is just my fauilt, I should never had flirted with him the first time then he woudlen't had done this I think. I can't belive I'm complining about this, because it's just my fauilt! But I have to say it's not like Tommy can't have any girl he wants, because he's yummi! So he don't have to do this! But he's an idiot so what can you expect..

At the afternoon both Tommy and Sven-Åke came into the room.
They had a phone with them. I hoped that they was going to call an ambulans for me, but that was jut wishful thinking. They told me that they was going to call a person in my family so that they ciuld still hear that I was a live, and that they wanted the money. And since Sven-Åke "knows" us then he knew who he wanted to talk too. He know what one of my weakest links was. So ofcourse he choosed the one who is the weakest for things like this and will just get scared to do something,so he would just carry the message to krisen and everybody, so ofcourse he wanted to talk to Emil. And since he know how much I love him.

It was Tommy who was going to talk because they don't know that everyone at home knews that it's Sven-Åke and Tommy, and they have never heard Tommys voice before but they would recognize it. But before Tommy dealed the number he pulled up a gun and gave it to Sven -Åke who put it to my head. I just looked at him and said " well kill me plz, just get it over with"
Sven-åke just laught and said " we ahve no use fore you death" I just said " mayeb
you should of thought of that before and given me my medecin, because I will be death soon anyway!"
Tommy dealed the number then he just said "now you do as we say! "
But it wasen't Emil who answerd it was Madde. I could hear her voioce really weak when she said hallo. Then Tommy just hang up. It felt like my heart was crying when I heard her beautiful voice, it was awful! Then Tommy tried again after a while and this time Emil answerd.
Tommy said " We have you sister and can you tell your mum if I don't get the money intill sunday then you sister is death!" I heard Emil started to cry, I just feelt so bad. I can't belive I'm expose him for this he's supose to be chile who is happy. I most be the worsed big sister ever!
Then Tommy wisper to me to say that I was alive and that I need help and those money. I just looked at Tommy when he was gaving me the phone I just shacked my head and said that I can't do this to him! Sven -Åke pressed the gun into my head even harder and Tommy just took a really hard grep around my wrist! it hurted liek hell another beautiful bruise.

Then he forced the phone in my hand and said " do you think he rader have a death sister?!" Then I put the phone to my ear, and he was crying like a baby.
Since I had told him that I was perfectly fine the otherday and was not going to die, then I coulden't sound sick at all.
I just said " hello tuff guy, what's up?" Emil got all quit and said " Tove is that you?" I just said " yes it is" Then he started to cry again. Then he said " you voice is weird it sounds like you are... dying, you promised me to live till you where 80!!" I could feel my tears started to fall down too. And I had not succeded with not sounded sick, it dosen't matter what I say, he will freak out anyway. He cryed more and more, then I said " Emil listen to me, evereything is going to be fine, I'm fine, just tierd. And go to mum now and tell her everything, and say hello from me to everybody, and I love you very much." Then I was on my way to tell him that it wasen't he's fauilt, but before I had said that sentnce, tommy had taken the phone and he hit me really hard in the face with he elbow, so I scremed which I know Emil heard too. Because I could hear him throw the phone screming and crying " Don't hurt her, plz don't hurt her, plz!!!" Tommy just laught and said everything is you fauilt" Then he hang up.
Tommy went upstairs but Sven-Åke stayed.

He asked who I was feeling, I just said angry" What the fuck do you think?!!" He just said " are you angry with me?" Then I thought I was going to explode And yelled" Angry isen't even enough about what I'm, not even furious covers it!! I don't know the word to describe it but I hate you!!! " He just laught a little and said " like I said you are so fucking sexy when you are angry! Grr! just as your mother. I sometimes miss her just because she is so fucking sexy and I miss the lovly hard sex too, that was wounderful!" IJust looked digusted at him and said " plz can you stop! She dosen't miss you at all!!" Then he did something I never thought he would do. He started to touched my leg and he was undre my shirt touhing my boobs and then he kissed me!! I tryed to say no but it diden't go that well, if I had energi then I would of kicked he's fucking as!! So now I have had sex with my mothers ex!! She will serious die when she reads this!! When he left I just lay there in teh sofa, and I still dose I haven't gotten up from there get!

Now I'm starting to sweat alot and I'm freezing too which can't be good. And all my bruises in my face at my arms and at my kegs is starting to get bigger not smaller, which is really weird!!
But I don't think it's anything good.. So now my head looks like a large plum and it hurts like hell!! But Henrik don't freak out because then everybody will!

Maded wrote yesterday that about me and nico, and that I think she spending so much time woth Nicky. Well I'm relaly glad that she have him , she need him. it just feelt like she always choosed him infron of me which made me feel lonly. But we have talked alittle about it and it feel better.
But I have to say that Madde started to sound like when I was at the hospital. And you all know what happend then, yeah the cuting. So I'm really worried about her..
I feel so helpless I can't help her at all from here. I just hope she dosen't do anything stuupied... because I don't think I can handel that. I hate this, I don't know what to do! I just want to hug her and tell her that everything will be okay what ever happends! But I can't I'm stuck here!

So Madde if you are going to do something stupied then wait till I get home and feeling a little better, plz just so I can take care of you. But wish that you diden't do anything, and just stated to be happy again. But I trust Nicky to look after you and take care of you.

But Madde I belive that you will do the right thing.

Madde wrote yesterday that Jensen is a totally wreak. He dosen't sleep he dosen't do anything. I just feel so sorry for him. I just wish I could be there and
comfort him she he just knowed that I cared. But maybe it had been better if we where still fighting and was in L.A or somewhere. Then he diden't had to be so worried and scared, I think that would be for the best, if he just had forgett me and meet someone else. Then I haden't hurt him as much as I did with Henrik and all that. If would be best if he just stoped loving me and caring about me. I hate to make him miserable and sad and scared. And that's all I do...

I hate myself! But I love him!

I really hope Emil is okay after that phone call, and that Jensen talked to him about that mail I got, so I just hope he understand that this isen't he's fauilt. He loves Jensen but I odn't know if it help the talk, I think he's sacred. I just wish I get home to talk to him and make him understand that nothing is he's fauilt about this. That he was the one saving my life the first time.

I can't belive that everything ended up like this.

I'm not even 25 yet, and I don't think I will make it to my next birthday, I can't die now, I'm to young for that! I can belive I'm writing that I'm going to die, I never thought that would happend more then once this year.

But people at home if I die then you have to live for me and don't kill Tommy or Sven-Åke because don't want anyone in yale! And I need you all to try to have great life then I will see you after.

Well now I have nothing more to write and I don't have no more energi to write more either. Maybe this will be my last inlay, then I just want to say take care. And if I die to night then I want you all at home to know that you are amzing and I love you all!

Kisses

Tove