Still gone...

Hey all...

What can i say, things aren't going as planned. We have worked our bums of to find Tove but no luck what so ever, we are all getting more and more worried but an other feeling that is starting to take over more and more is anger. Krisen is working like a crazy person and she almost wont Pontus or herself sleep, I think i have to tell her that to be able to focus on finding Tove she needs to be sharp and well rested. The thing is, she is starting to freak me out because she is really angry and worried and she actually hit Pontus yesterday when he tried to calm her down. Don't worry, he is fine but he is going to have a black eye for a few days... I don't really know how I'm feeling because all the feelings are overwhelming and without Tove i feel hollow. Nicky hasn't left my side through all this and I can say that that feels better and it feels really good to be able to talk to someone. He really understands me and he cares about me which is amazing, there are not alot of people out there who does that for real...

Today has been mental, Krisen and Pontus has been going through this blog to find some clues that i might have missed but I haven't... and then they have tried to find the latest location that someone saw Sven-Åke and Tommy on. What we know is that Tommy was last seen on Ica supermarket bagarmossen but we have no lead on Sven-Åke yet. We also received the envelope with the bloody towel this morning, the thing is that the post office is never that fast at sending mail so we think that either Tommy or Sven-Åke must have comed by here during the night... As you can imagine that is driving Krisen crazy too because she was so close but yet so far away. I was staying at Nicos last night as well so i didn't hear or see them and neither did anyone else in the family... Krisen has taken the envelope to the police station to look for clues and stuff... I have no idea what they can find more then we already know but I don't want to ask because then Krisen will kill me...

I feel like I'm being a really bad friend right now... or I have felt that for a very long time. I have the feeling that Tove thinks i sepnd to much time with Nicky and that I choose him before her. I admit that i love hanging out with him and that I love him with all my heart, he is the most amazing guy i've ever met and he makes me feel special and wanted. But Tove honey, you know that you are my best friend, my sister and my life! I don't know what i would do without you and now when you aren't here i feel torn apart and the piece that means most to me is gone. I would never choose him over you honey!!

Even though the days has been mental it has been quite calm, the kids has been in school, which is the first time since Tove got kidnapped. Henrik has been at work but has called me every hour to asking for new but I got a bit annoyed so I told him i would call him if something changed. Krisen and Ponus has been spending all their time at the station and at the place where Tove got kidnapped from. So the people that has been home is me, Nico, Jensen, Jared, lukas and Tobbe. I've spent most of my time talking with nico about averything and I think Jensen has been talking to Jared all day. He really misses Tove and I think he has slept as little as i have because he has big bags under his eyes and is looking like a zombie. I really hope we find Tove because I don't know how much longer Jensen can stand this, me to for that matter. he got really scared when he read Toves inlay from yesterday and I think i saw a tear roll down his cheek, I feel so sorry for him and I really hate to see him like this. This is something that he really shouldn't have to through. First he loses the woman he loves and then they find each other again just to be parted again and now she is really gone and he is here all alone without her, missing her like crazy and can't continue without her. His heart is breaking into a thousand pieces and after this i don't know if his heart can go through a pain so big. So Tove you have to get through this, if not for me then do it for jensen, plz he needs you!!

Nicky said today that I'm starting to behave like i did when Tove was in the hospital and we didn't know if she was goin to make it. But I just told him "Can you blame me?", I must have sounded really rude because I could tell he got sad and said "No, I'm sorry, I can't do that I suppose.". I could feel my heart drop to the ground because i hurt him when he was just trying to look after me. I felt the tears build up in my eyes and then i hugged hum and told him i was so sorry for being rude. he kissed my head and said it was okay and that he understood i was worried about Tove. I can not beleive Zara and Tove is right, the only thing I do is to hurt the people i love. Now i even hurt Nicky and that is something i never thought i would do. I'm such a bitch, i can't even go a day without hurting someone... I wish no one would love me becasue then I wouldn't be able to hurt them and then i wouldn't have to see the faces of their bleeding hearts. I wish Sven-Åke and Tommy had kidnapped me insted of Tove because i'm not needed here but Tove is and if I was there it wouldn't do anything if they killed me, everyone would just be better of. I wish i had a way to get into touch with Sven-åke and beg him to take me insted of Tove, i would do anything and I mean anything!!

Got a call from Shane, Kian and Marky asking if Tove had comed home, i just told them no and that we had no new leads. All three of them are really worried and started to ask a whole bunch of diffecult questions so i told nico to asnwer them because it was to hard to do it myself. I don't know how many times i have cried today, and most of the time it has been over very little things. Like this morning when nicky and I got home from his place and we met Emil and Tim in the hallway going to school (Tim was going to give Emil a ride to school) Tim looked at me and Nico and then he turned to emil and asked if he was ready to go. He just gave us a little hello before they left and i knew i had hurted him again. The tears just started pouring down my cheeks and Nicky got really surprised and asked if i was okay. i just told him that i was but that all I do is hurt Tim. Nico stroke the tears away from my cheek and looked into my eyes and said "Tim is a grown man and if you have maked it clear for him that nothing will happen between you two then he should understand that and move on.". I shook my head and said "You don't understand how it feels. I broke his heart but he still loves me and I can't do anything to make him feel better, all i do is kiss, have sex or walk hand in hand with another guy when he sees me. it's either with you or with jared or why not Lukas.... God, i'm such a whore.". He got really really angry with me and told me to never say that again but I just told him that that is what i am. My little brother says so and even my best friend. "You should know better then to listen to them when they say things like that! You are an amazing woman and it's not your problem if some guy is in love with you. So, what, you think you should stop living your life just because it hurts him to see you han out with another man? that is just crazy and if i was him then i wouldn't want you to do that." I didn't uderstand why he said that so i asked him and he said "Because if he really loves you then he would want you to be happy and if you stop hanging out with guys, either if it's me or jared or lukas or someone else, then you are not happy." I know what he say is true but i can't stop feeling sorry for Tim and I can't stop blameing myslef for his pain.

I haven't talked to Linus since he argued with me and he and Nico got into a fight the other day. I met him yesterday in the kitchen but he just left and went to his room. I don't understand what is wrong with that kid. Okay, he is in love with Tove and is worried about her but he has been behaving like a dick for like months now and he just wont stop! I don't get it, I know he is going through a ruff time and that it difficult but he has to start acting like a grown-up and start to take responsibility for his actions. The thing is that i don't know what to do with him, he wont listen to me, he doesn't listen to Tove or anyone else in the family. He doesn't listen to nico or the westlife lads. He doesn't evel listen to Zara which is so wierd!! I just wish he could be like niklas and stop being such a baby.

Speaking of Niklas, you are probobly wondering what happened to Niklas, Sara and Brian. Well after the fight at the wedding Brian went home to Ireland and his and Saras relationship is over. I feel sorry for Brian and i can understand that he is angry, sad and disappionted with Sara for cheating on him. But on the other hand i'm glad because Sara and Niklas has been on a few dates and they have started to talk about moving in together. You might think it's early but it's not, I mean they have been together all through my childhood and then they broke up and Sara met Brian but they have know each other all their lifes and their break up wasn't a bad one. it was kind of mutual and they were still friends and ment alot to each other.

God, I feel like I'm starting to talk about everything else then Toves kidnapping. but it gets me thinking of something else and that is very difficutl for me because I'm so worried. There is one thing though, I hope we have found her before thursday because it's markys birthday then and I have invited Mark, Kian and Shane here so that we can take them out and celebrate his birthday. Well I don't think any of us is up for celebrating his birthday even though we find her before then because Tove says she is feeling really bad and Henrik thinks she needs a new liver and that means more and more days at the hospital... I think i should call marky and the lads and say that they should come some other day, in a few weeks then we can celebrate his birthday, Toves brithday and Shanes birthday together. It's going to be a wild party!!

I don't really know what else to write more then I hate Sven-åke Lindblom and that fucking Tommy guy and that I miss you Tove and you have to fight to stay alive till we find you and can take you home!!! Love you!!

We hope that tove will write more tomorrow and give us a few more clues!!
Take care
Love
Madde