Slow Falling

Hello.

How are you all doing?

I can't say that I'm doing that great, since I kind of miss Jensen..

Yesterday was a really hard day and this day is hard too, but it will be better.
I'm so sad that it ended up like this, or sad is the wrong word I'm more frustrated and angry with myself for leting this happend. Since evreything is my fauilt because I hurt him very much when I sleeped with Kian, and I don't even know why I did that. That is the stupiest thing I have ever done!! I'm such an idoit! Maybe it should of been better for everyone if I just had died of my cancer!! sorry I diden't really mean that, but I'm just angry.

I can't belive that I hurt him that much! And I feel so teribble since I just hit me that I never loved Sean that much as I love Jensen, I'm a horrible person!!

They should hate me, they have all right to..

Well I can tell you what happend yesterday.

As you know Jensen sleeped in my room that night and we just talked and lied there holding each. It was the best night in a very long time but at the same time the sadest. But I just never wanted it to stop. We did sleep anything that night. But he had to go and pack the last things in the morning. Then he came back and said that he was going to call a cab, but I just told him that I would drive him. He tryed to convince me not to because both of us hate goodbyes so we would be all torn up, but I wanted to spend every minuts with him so he coulden't chance my mind.

We drived of to the airport, when we got there he thought that we should just say goodbye in the car, so he kissed me and I could see that he was on he's way on crying, then he just walked out from the car. I just looked at him walk away from me, but I just coulden't let him to that, I need to say a really goodbye to him. So I just locked the car and ran after him and took he's hand, he just looked at me and we walked together into the airport.

And since everyone know who Jensen is we sat in the v.i.p room. Which was kind of nice to be alone. We sat there he had he's arm around me we diden't say that much.

I could feel my tears was srating to fill up in my eyes. I could see that Jensen saw that too, but I diden't want to cry so I just figth them back.

Jensen broke the silence and said " Tove you don't have to pretend to be so fucking strong all the time, you can cry" I diden't mean to snap at him but I didI stood up and said" I have to be strong if I don't I will break down, and I can't do that right nowI don't ahve those powers yet, I woulden't survive it!! "

Jensen walked towards me and tryed to put he's arm around me and hug me but I just pushed him away and said " Don't touch me, then I can't be strong anymore, sorry but yu can't touch me" He just sat down again and after a few minuts they called out that he had to get on bord.

He just looked at me and said " Honey have to go now" Then he walked towards be agian and I let him kiss me, then he gave me a hug and said " I love you, and what ever happends I will always be here for you and I will always love you " I just said " I don't deserve it but thank you, and I love you too " Then he took he's hand baggage and I could see that he dried a tear of he'e cheek before walked out.

I went to the car and started to drive home. While I was driveing that started to roll tears down my cheek. But fortuntly my phone called so I answerd and it was Henrik. I think he could her that I was sad because he aked how I was doing. And I told him that I had just droped of Jensen.

He asked if I wanted to come to he's apartment and talk. I asked him that was a good ides since it's Jensen. But he's so sweeit and said " If you want to talk then I listen it dosen't matter what it is about, I'm here for you" I just said " I'll be there in 10 minuts. "

I knocked on the door and he open and gave me a hug and we sat down in the sofa and I told him all about that night he had sleep in my bed and that I missed him, and that I was angry with myself for hurting him, and much other things, he just listen and it feels really good to talk about it. Then he asked " What did you actally do to hurt him?" I got quit then I said " Well I was unfaithful with Kian " He just looked surised and said " you cheated? You don't seems to be that kind of person who would do that , but everybody can make mistakes. "

I said " Yeah well I'm uselly not, I don't understands people who cheats I just think they are idoits! " Then he just huged me and then we sat there in silence for a while. Then he asked " About our date did we set a date for than? or is this the wrong time to talk about this? "

I smiled at him and said " No it's definitely not the wrong time. We get home on sunday so why not on monday?" I walked away to look in he's calnder and said " That sounds great!" Then he kissed me and I said " This time I want you to be the one planing the whole date my yourself okay?" He kissed me a again and said " ofcourse baby what ever you want" Then I kissed him, it was amzing.

Then we started to talk about the wedding and he asked if he had to wear a suit to the wedding, I just told him that he needed that.

Then i asked " Do you own a suit, because that's not really your style I think. "
He just said " No I don't own a suit that's the problem, do I really need one? " I just laught then I said" Ofcourse you do, then I just have to take you about shopping tomorrow"

I just looked scared at me " With what money? I can't afford that with all my student loan for medschool, I don't have any money" I just looked at him and said " Well I have, so tomorrow we are going shopping" He just said " You can't buy me a suit that's just weird " I just said " Well you are so sweeit to me and you kind of saved my life so ofcousre I can, and I don't care what you say about this I will still buy you one because I want you as my date at the wedding" I just said "yeah yeah ".

So today me and Henrik was shopping. I took a really long time because he has much opinines about everything and he really care what he want to wear so he look
good. We went to giorgio armani. But aftre a few hours he find the right one that I agreed on two. But he don't really like the idea of wearing it at all. Because when he came out from the dressing room he said that he diden't really feel comfortable and sexy. I just walked towards him and layed my one hand on he's cheast on the other one was almost on he's as then I whisper to him " I just want to ripe it of you right now you look so sexy, but after the wedding I can show what I think about you in it" Then I kissed he's neck but then we got interupted and the guy who workes ther asked how it was going, Henrik just said " I think we will take this one " I just laught. Then he asked " When will I see you on your dress then?" ;) I just said " at the wedding " ;)

Then we drived home to my place and walked up to my room.

He kissed me and before I knew it we was lying on the bed and he's hand was under my shirt.

Then I stoped him and said " remeber I can't have sex intill friday " He just said " Yeah right, but you can still help me" ;) I laught and said " yes I can" ;)

I think I will stop talking about that now because otherwise it will go out of hand and I will tell you evrey detail, which isen't that funny, sinec you all reday know what happend ;)

Then had henrik go to work.

I walked over to Tims room and knocked on the door. He just said come in so I walked inside.

I told him that I had heard that he was going to the wedding with Madde. And he was like so. Then I said " Remebere that she dosen't think about this as a date, and if you make a move on her in some way you ar death! And don't arug with me about this now, because I'm not having a good day so I will just get really angry"

He just ignore all that I have just said about Madde and just changed the subject and asked why I had a bad day. I just said " If you haven't noticed Jensen left yesterday" Then he asked " do you still love him? I thought you two where fighting" I said " yes I do with all my heart, and yes we where fighting but not now. " Then he said " why did you break up with him when you still love him?" I just said " First of all I did break up with im he broke up with me, and second of all I hurt him so much so I think we need time a part" Then he asked "what did you do?" I said " Well I was an idoit and I cheated, so I get that he's broke up with me " Tim said " who was he?" I just said " I'm not going to tell you that, you should be happy that I'm telling you this" Then I changed subjet. And asked about what kin dof weir plans he had for Madde, he just said nothing. I coulden't give up that easy, so I said " Come on , I have know you your whole life, so I know you and I know you are up to something. So tell me?"
He just said " IF I had planed something do you really thin I would tell YOU about it?"

I just said " no, why should you " Then I was on my way out of he's room and befoer I walked throw the door I just said " Just remebere don't touch her!" Then I left.

I sat in my room on my bed and it knocked on the door and there was she as beautiful as always and she was home again!! She jusr ran to me and throw herself on me and huged me.

I thought I was going to strangle her with my hug, I was SOOOOOOOOO happy to see her!!

Then she asked me how I was doing after all this. I just said " Do we really have to talk about this now, I will just get sad all over and I want to be happy when you are here" Madde just took my hand and said" yes we need to talk about it, I don't care how sad you get"

I just told her that I was angry and sad and I diden't know if I mad the right destion, and that I have sleep for two days now, so I was tierd and upset about everything. I could feel the tears once again in my eyes but I diden't want to cry so I just changed subject. I know that Madde thinks I'm an idoit for not letting it all out, but I just can't.

When she had told me evreything about her trip we just layed there, she strok me on the arm and I could feel that she kissed my head then I finally fellt my eyes closing and I was a sleep.

When i woke up she was still there wide a wake, I had apprently sleeped for two hours it was so wounderful to sleep next to her. If I can't sleep tonight then I will probably go to Madde.

I asked her where Nico was and she said " he's home with he's fiancé!! "
I just looked at her suprised and said " WHAT!! And they haven't told us, for how long have they been engaged?!" now Madde looked sad instead and said " Because they think it haven't been te right time yet, and they have been engaged for almost two weeks, Nico had apperntly proposed a few days before we left" I diden't say anything I was still chocked.

Then Krisen yelled at Madde that she should care her bags upstairs since she diden't wnated in the hallway. Madde just roll her eyes then she walked downstairs.

Linus walked into my room and layed himself down next to me on the bed.

I just asked him waht he wanted but he just looked at me weird.

Then he stared to touch my thigh, I don't get how he can be so fast! Before I even had the chance to think he sat over me with about leg aon each side and had all reday open my jeans and he's hand where in them under my pantis! Then I just hit him
right in the face, so he got of me! I was so disppointed and angry at the same time at him. Then he tryed to kiss me again, and I feel that he smelled alchole, so I yelled at him " Are you drunk or high, or both?!! " he didn't say anything and I think he was both drunk and high and he's nose was bleeding too.

I just drag him in to the bathroom and told him to fix he's nose. Then I just draged him to he's room and yelled at him " We are going away tomorrow to the wedding and I want you to behave there and not embarressted your sister, since she probably will managed that by herself!!

And I will be there with Henrik and just ahve to accept that!!! Stay here now and sleep evreything off! " I look the key from he's door and locked it on the outside instead, I was so fucking mad I just wanted to kill him!! And since Madde wasen't home because she had walked over to zara to talk to her about Linus I coulden't relieve my anger in her either!

When she got home I told her everything, I thought she was going to explode, then she asked if I was okay if he had hurt me. I just said no. She was on her way up ther but I stoped her and told her that he was slepping it of and I had locked him in so just yell at him later.

Then she said that Zara had promis to try to talk to him, but she diden't know if she would succed since they where almost like " family " because then it's apperently harder but she would try and she had said that sh would try to talk to him some day under the weekend. So I just hope she will help him allitlel anyway, and I think I will talk to Krisen to and see what she can do, sinec she can be harch if she has to. I just hope he will be okay..

Then I heard someone knocking on the front door and Tim was the one who opened after a few minuts he yelled at me and there stood a man and he wanted me to sign something because he had a deliver to me. So I did and he came back with a dozen blue roses and on the card it stod " I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you, love Dr.Sexy" He just so sweeit, blue roses means " I want to be by your side until death " So it was really beuatiful, then Madde came down stairs and she just looked suprised when she saw teh flowers and she asked how thay was from, I just said Henrik. They where really beautiful, I loved them!!

So when I had put them in a vase then I called Dr.Sexy to say thank you. :D

He asked if I know what the blue roses stand for, I just told him yes. Then he said " Well it's true I hope I will be there for you alwas and forever" Then he said he had to work and we would see each other tomorrow since we ar going to gothenburg togehter. So he said that he would call tonight to say goodnight. Then we hang up.

Emil had he's girlfreind over for dinner, I could see that Maddes brain was working full speed so she wiuld come up with something good to say to him. But she haven't said something yet but I think she will, she's so much worse then I am to my brothers and sisters about bofriends/girlsfriends so I'm just wating for him to yell at her, but I almost just think it's fun :P haha But Madde when you talk to him don't teach him something stupied, and you know what I mean! ;P haha

Another thing about the wedding is that my mother si going to the wedding with Johan you know her ex and her childfriend. I just hope they are just friends and nothing more. I like Johan I just think if she is going to have a guy she needs a new one, not an old one.

But we will see about that want we ;P

I just have to say shortly that our friend turned 23 yesterday, I can' belive Madde forgot about that. But anyway I just want to say a big Happy birthday to Rob!! So Happy birthday! I hope you hada wounderful day! :D

Right now I think I will try to sleep because I just hang up my call with Henrik, we talked for like an hour or so. I just hope I can sleep now otherwise Madde will have a friend in bed. But I don't think she would mind, because she haven't killed me yet for the car anyway ;P

Well Good night to you all.

And I hope you have had a better day then me anyway..

Ans I will so you again on tuesday, so have a nice weekend, I will with alot of booze everything will be great even though I have both Henrik and Madde telling me not to drink, but i don't think they will succed.

Kisses

Tove